Thoughts of a Servant

Oh man.  I have been kind of down lately.  It seems like everyone has been getting distracted and bailing out.  Okay, it doesn’t seem like it– that’s the way it is.  In regards to my last post, Where is the Enemy, I have something to add:

• One person had to “work” last minute
• One person scheduled a morning ride and cant reschedule?
• One person decided to go with their parents whom they have been not talking for a while (I am okay with this one,  its obviously God working )
• One person decided to flee to the bay area and get wasted
• One person decided not go to just because
• One decided to fly to Atlanta because they didn’t want to be in OC
• 3 people had a death in their family (Wow)

Okay, you get the point– all of these people were open to hearing about God.  And here I am, going to the service by myself.  I do know people there, so I won’t be alone– but thats not the point.  I know these people can do it.  I know they can feel Him… Some of them are scared, some don’t care, some have been scarred from past experiences and maybe a lifetime of unchristianlike christians.  And clearly the “Evil One” has been exploiting that weakness disabling them to come to, IMO, one of the biggest events in human history, and one of the most valuable events in our lives, ever.  Yes, bigger and better than getting that car you wanted

I just pray that it will still work out for God’s glory.  He can change schedules as well as hearts– its not that they come to “easter service” its that they come to Easter, the story, and what it means to me/us/God.

Fill me with strength to carry on   Its hits like this where you can feel the spiritual warfare. Get behind me Devil.

I remember having a discussion with someone about something as simple as being late to a dinner party.  I said that it was probably the enemy trying to keep me from getting there– and they just looked at me with the most far-fetched look hahahah.  It caused me to consider my response, and to this day I have no regrets for saying that it was the enemy– because it was.

If you look at what it did to me mentally, then you will notice that it was him trying to tell me that its not worth it to go to dinner– not worth it to strengthin my relationships with others– not worth it to try and show God’s love.  I came so close to calling it quits and going home because everything on the road was delaying me.  That was clearly the work of the enemy because in that relationship, that girl was able to see that I really wanted to be there, and that I care for her.  She now realizes what makes me motivated and that I live for someone bigger and has started to ask questions.

I read this killer chapter in Wild at Heart which talks about this type of intervention.  The whole book is amazing, but here is where this concept ties in (on page 152):

… What I experienced in the midst of traffic that day happens all the time in marriages, in ministries, in any relationship.  We are being lied to all the time. Yet we never stop to say, “Wait a minute . . . who else is speaking here?  Where are those ideas coming from? Where are those feelings coming from?” If you read the saints from every age before the Modern Era– that pride-filled age of reason, science, and technology we all were thoroughly educateed in– you’ll find that they take the devil very seriously indeed.  As Paul says, “We are not unaware of his schemes” (2 Cor. 2:11). But we, the enlightened, have much more commonsense apprach to things.  We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet.

Who caused the Chaldeans to steal Job’s herds and kill his servants? Satan, clearly (Job 1:12, 17). Yet do we even give him a passing thought when we hear of terrorism today?  Who kept that poor woman bent over for eighteen years, the one Jesus healed on the Sabbath? Satan, clearly (Luke 13:16).  But do we consider him when we are having a headache that keeps us from praying or reading Scripture?  Who moved Ananias and Sapphira to lie to the apostles? Satan again (Acts 5:3).  But do we really see his hand behind a fallout or schism in ministry? Who was behind that brutal assault on your own strength, those wounds you’ve taken?  As William Gurnal said, “It is the image of God reflected in you that so enrages hell; it is this at which the demons hurl their mightiest weapons.”

There is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes of our lives than most of us have been led to believe. …

How scary is that?  Then the book goes on to explain the Supernatural intervention in the sweet little baby scene of Jesus’ birth. There is a section starting on page 153 about “Behind the Scenes” spiritual warfare.  Check this out:

Excerpt from Wild at Heart:

Most of you probably have a Nativity scene that you take out over the holidays and place on a mantel or coffee table.  Most of these scenes share a regular cast of characters: shepherds, wise men, maybe a few barnyard animals, Joseph, Mary, and, of course, the baby Jesus.  Yes, ours has an angel or two and I imagine yours does as well.  But that’s about as far as the supernatural gets.  What is the overall mood of the scene? Don’t they all have a sort of warm, pastoral atmosphere to them, a quiet, intimate feel like the one you get when you sing Silent Night of Away in a Manger?  And while that’s all very true, its also very deceiving because its not a full picture of what’s really going on.  For that, you have to turn to Revelation 12:

The Woman and the Dragon

¹A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. ²She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. ³Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. ⁴His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. ⁵She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. ⁶The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

⁷And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. ⁸But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. ⁹The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

As Philip Yancy says, I have never seen this version of the story on a Christmas card.  Yet it is the truer story, the rest of the picture of what was going on that fateful night.  Yancey calls the birth of Christ the Great Invasion, “a daring raid by the ruler of the forces of good into the universe’s seat of evil.”  Spiritually speaking, this is no silent night.  It is D-Day.  ”It is almost beyond my comprehension too, and  yet I accept that this notion is the key to understanding Christmas and is, in fact, the touchstone of my faith.  As as a Christian, I believe that we live in parallel worlds. One world consists of hills and lakes and barns and politicians and shepherds watching their flocks by night.  The other consists of angels and sinister forces” and the whole spiritual realm.  The child is born, the woman escapes and the story continues like this:

¹⁷Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring—those who obey God’s commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus.

Behind the world and the flesh is an even more deadly enemy …one we rarely speak of and are even much less ready to resist.  Yet this is where we live now– on the front lines of a fierce spiritual war that is to blame for most of the casualties you see around you and most of the assault against you.  It’s time we prepared ourselves for it.

A little over two years ago I wrote a note on facebook– and in that two-year timeframe, which is the equivelant of 1/10th of my life, my mission / life / mind / heart has fully changed.  Isn’t that cool!  Who knew that two years later I would be looking at that post thinking how much I have changed, and also thinking to myself that I should and do have the will of a mustard seed (Matthew 13:31).

But the interesting thing is: only one thing has changed.  I still do computer stuff, I still work my butt off, I still struggle with money, with schooling, etc.  But I love God.  Just loving him has transformed my perspective, my mission, my life.  Everything I do is for Him– everything I have is his.  What a relief it is, I went from saying:

come on now. i need internet. tele vision. phone. i feel like a quaker right now. stupid time warmer cable. for one week. i will be checking from my phone. i guess that song was right. think its by like john mayer . you never really know what you got till its gone . darn them people who turnedparadise into that dog gone parking lot. there is the government or ya

(9/11/2007)

To now being able to say that I am nothing, I am only a servant of a mighty God and that I can achieve nothing without him.  I want to serve abroad, in my neighborhood, anywhere he calls me.  I can live without internet, television, phone, etc.  And unlike John Mayer’s song, I know what I have, because I lost it– and God gave me my purpose.

I just wanted to make something very clear in from my last post about Relationships, Porn, and Men.  I did not mean that the woman makes the man a man– strictly meant that they complete, assist, and empower his already existing manliness.  As Augustine put it, “Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love.”

A man does not go to a woman to gain strength, he goes to a woman to offer it.

I don’t think it could be put any better.  Women, you are beautiful, and we admire that– but you are not about to trap me in them eyes of yours to where thats all I can see! NEVER! (as I remember each and every time that happens)

Another thing on this porn issue.  Just a question to ask, if you think its something you want to persue and you will feel fulfilled by it once you have had a drink of it… Why do you keep going back for more?  As this book puts it, you are drinking from the wrong well my friend

Happy April 1 Yo.  I think there are jokes or something today.. Prep yourselves.

Okay, so I live in a nice part of Orange County.  The houses around me are somewhere around $500-700k and I am in some nice apartments.  But it blew me away tonight to see the regulars doing their nightly dumpster dive.  But the thing is, I am pretty sure they are competing… There is a group that does it early in the morning, and the other group just switched to late at night.  I am just absolutely blown away by this– saddened and awakened.  I mean, I just got back from Mexico, and they were doing the same thing.

Its everywhere, the poverty, the necessity to have more, the inability to complete desires, etc.  Sometimes its a disease that infects our heart, and sometimes it is a lifetime barrier that we have to live with and may never get out of.

Regardless, take heart and help when needed.  Maybe save your cans in a bag and give it to them when you see them without acknowledging that you want to help.  It take a lot to do that, a lot of dignity is swallowed.  I just thought that it was interesting that with all of these nice cars and whatnot, there is still a need

Man, my friend Emily convicted me again.  :D

We had a short facebook-status discussion about transformation.  She put it as though I should be thankful that God is giving me “transformation attention” rather than me just being dull.  I love that!  Transformation attention.  Love it.

I have been recently convicted of doubting– even if it is just a tiny tiny bit, it is doubt.   So I wanted to find out more about this word and some scriptures behind what it is, why we get it, and how to deal with it.  Questions arise in many forms, including factual or philosophical issues, assurance, suffering, or unanswered prayer.

Doubt is an interesting thing, it is a sign of distrust / lack of confidence / a certain fear.  It also stems roots from the Greek terms:

Came across this article by Ted Cabal which classifies doubt into three categories:

Doubt may be divided into three general areas. Factual doubt usually raises issues regarding the truth of Christianity. Emotional doubt chiefly concerns our moods and feelings, often posing questions pertaining to assurance of salvation. Volitional doubt is a category that ranges from weak faith to a lack of motivation to follow the Lord.

Ted Cabal, Chad Owen Brand, E. Ray Clendenen, Paul Copan, J.P. Moreland and Doug Powell, The Apologetics Study Bible: Real Questions, Straight Answers, Stronger Faith (Nashville, TN: Holman Bible Publishers, 2007). 1614.

I was comforted to find that almost every biblical character experienced some form of doubt.  Abraham doubted whether his son would be born to him in his high-aged life, doubt even ranged through characters like Job, David, Jeremiah, etc.  But it was even more comforting to read on that, “As strange as it seems, doubt can produce positive results, and many doubters are very much in love with the Lord.”

There are many things we can doubt, and these can exist on many different levels– on faith, life, jobs, money, etc.  But all throughout Psalms we see doubt tackled: (see Ps 37:7–8; 39:2; 42:5–6, 11; 55:4–8, 16–17, 22; 56:3–4; 94:19).

in Philippians 4:6–9, Paul tells us to replace our anxieties with prayer and thanksgiving. The apostle promises peace for those who do so (vv. 6–7). Then he commands us to explicitly change our worrisome thoughts to God’s truth (v. and to model ourselves after his pattern, again promising the result of peace (v. 9).

Ted Cabal, Chad Owen Brand, E. Ray Clendenen, Paul Copan, J.P. Moreland and Doug Powell, The Apologetics Study Bible: Real Questions, Straight Answers, Stronger Faith (Nashville, TN: Holman Bible Publishers, 2007). 1614.

Overall, doubt is a great sign that you are growing.  Doubt causes questions to arise, causes answers to be questioned and even your own life to be questioned.  But I think the volitional doubt is very dangerous.  This is where we make ourselves doubt or convince ourselves out of our faith– and one of the major cures to this kind of doubt is intervention through friends and family.

I can relate to this type of doubt– I haven’t experienced volitional doubt, but I have a family member who has deliberately convinced himself that there is in fact no God.  He is a brilliant individual who has read every history book including the Bible.  But doing this short study on doubt has made me want to get in touch with him again.  I want to ask questions now  cause this is serious…

But this goes back to my conviction over the weekend when I went to Mexico.  It was almost as if I was questioning if Jesus could do anything.  It was just natural for me to think that because I could only see / feel the pain that these people displayed.  But when in essence, he has given me direct words:

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

34 When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. 35 And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him 36 and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Mt 14:28–36.

He was guiding Peter to him while he was walking on water, and Peter looked away as he was frightened.  Jesus was calling Peter back to look at him because he knew that Peter had questioned his powers.  But that was me!  I looked away for just a moment.

What kind of love is this.

Yes, crazy title. Cause men are crazy.

I can definately see where women get their perception of us.  I hate the perception, but its true.  Even men of God struggle with the addiction and temptations of  lust, masculinity, and women.  I have been praying that God will bring the right girl into my life– (some people say I am too young to be thinking like this, but hear me out).  But sometimes I wonder why it hasn’t happened, and if he has a bigger plan (which I am excited about).  And while I know that I would embrace that person, it is more important to me that it is in God’s will.  I am at the point where its okay if I don’t have that girl, but only if God tells me.

I recently started liking this girl (I can see something amazing in her).  She carries this level of faith and a missional lifestyle that I admire greatly as it mirrors me.  And I now, for the first time, realize the importance of equally yoked.  I always thought of it from the man’s point of view where I could be a firm foundation in God for a family, and that I could live as a man of compassion.  But I never realized how much weight and spiritual / physical turmoil the man will encounter, and that is where the woman comes in.  Without even doing anything, a woman makes a man feel like a man.  That instills courage, persistence, work ethics, alpha protector, etc.  And on top of that, they talk (moreso ) / listen!  Of course, the woman’s role is essential to the relationship.  They are in fact, more important than the man being a man.  But thats for another post, another day.

Wild at Heart explains a man in persuite of Eve, a woman that has beauty that is only a glimpse of God’s glory that is still even to great for the eye.  Men also need to find their masculinity within themselves in order to harness the defined structure that God has given.  They must be able to feel like a man, in order to be a man.  This is an extraordinary book, and I highly recommend it for anyone.

One thing I had heard, and it was reinforced by the book, was the fact that pornography is a easy way for men to get the gratification of viewing / pursuing ’Eve’ without the repercussions of reject, denial, and fear.  This is the very reason that it is so easy to fall into this addiction.  It is having an affair with someone without ever having to deal with the STDs / risk of being caught.  It is also available whenever you want, with whatever category you want.

While I sit back and look at men my age embracing this lifestyle, I can only see pain and suffering occur.  But I can also sympathize, I have struggled with this in the past, embraced it for a good amount of time, and to this day struggle with it.  It will be a lifelong struggle as it will only get harder– but the one thing I love about God is that no matter how many times I fall, I have those around me and God himself right there beside me.

Now, I will say that as I become a more firm believer in my faith, I get more and more crushed every time I sin.  This goes for anything, If I yell at someone out the window (for being on the phone, eating a sandwich, doing their makeup, playing dominoes, drinking coffee and driving at the same time), if I cruise the internet at places I shouldn’t be, if I think bad things about someone– God hears everything I think / see / do– I know he does– and he is right there beside me….. weeping.  With that imagery with me at all times, my heart can do nothing but weep.  The conviction is heavy on my heart and I feel the compassion when I say that I am sorry.  But he is mighty to save, and these problems are minor to what he has in store for you.

You and I are precious to him.  We have qualities, gifts, etc that he loves.

What kind of love is this?

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What a life it is to live. It is a life of sacrafice, dedication, pain, suffering and unparalleled joy.  Getting back from Mexico the other day, someone read a blog entry to me from a mom that made her life blogging about her journey as a mom.  While I didn’t think ay of it would apply to me, I was definately wrong.  It was from the popular blog Its Almost Nap Time.

She mentioned the types of happiness versus contentment.  And I got to thinking about it– in my own life, my objective is not to be happy.  As she put it, “happiness is according to your surroundings.”  If we begin looking for happiness, we will never find it because we are looking in things that are worldly, ever-changing, and built-on-sand, if you will.  But being content is another story.  Contentment is based off of your heart, something deep within– it is a happiness that can only be achieved when you are complete and feel that wholeness.

Now this struck home!  Not that I was looking for happiness, but that I can now differentiate between teh different feelings.  Having that knowledge is essential in knowing what is true to your heart.  It is similar to knowing the difference between Good and Evil– right and wrong, left and right, etc.

But I must confess.  I have been reading and reading and learning and learning, and all along being subconsciously convicted for whatever reason (im human).  And it hit today / last night.  I have been torn in my life the type of ministry that God wants me to do.  It seems like he either wants me to go to the UK for seminary, Argentina for outreach, Congo for outreach, South Africa for empowerment and CHE development, and even just staying here and supporting these organizations and testimonies.  I have never been more torn over such a huge decision.  Each of these have different levels of commitment, sacrifice, and risk– but all of them are for his Glory.

This morning I couldn’t wait to get back to church.  I had gone too long without it (almost 3 weeks), so I went to the earliest service–  I missed that community and place of worship.  And in being there, I felt this large conviction that God asked me if I have doubt.  While I have been saying yes, yes, yes– Sometimes I have little hesitation to do certain things… In doing so, my heart hardens towards serving.  Even just the slightest doubt is enough to make you stop.

I feel loved, I feel like he has given me hope– I honestly feel strongly about prayer, and I know for a fact that it works. He convicted me, and saved me from a tiny piece of fear and doubt that would have disrupted my walk with him.  What kind of love is this?

I woke up with a big question on my head.  I wanted to know why God has blessed America so much…  I live in Orange County, yeah, the OC.  And I often experience a bit of culture shock when someone shows up in 300$ fur boots that they wear when it rains– once a year in SoCal.  But really, why would God bless us with abundance and others not as much?

Well I know for a fact that it is not because other countries are doing something wrong– All throughout the Bible we see instances of this similar situation.  Soddom and Gomorrah– Abraham tried to save them saying their may be a believer.  But God says that we should just mind ourselves, and he destroys the city after Abraham couldn’t find any believers.  And Abraham questioned why God would bring that kind of wrath on Soddom, were they doing something horribly different than I?  And the answer is, no, they were just as sinful as you and I– but unless I repent, the same will happen to me.

So although we have many ideas on why some Nations suffer greater than us, it is not true–  The only thing God says is that unless we repent, the same will happen to us.

Going back to America–  I was in a CHE seminar the other day, and it made me realize that sometimes we have to place the program in the location where it will cause the greatest change.  Sometimes, that location isn’t the same as the greatest need.  That can go into a very extended explanation, but in a sentence, thats the jest of it.  So– America.  We are definitely in a lifestyle of abundance, but maybe God thinks we can make the greatest change in the world should we follow Him.  We are all disciples and we are all commissioned to go out into the world and make more disciples.  Doesn’t mean we are better than anyone by any means!  If anything we are worse for ignoring that call.

I have the privilege of going to Mexico today, and its also my good friend and bro, Russell’s, 21st birthday today.  I am excited to see where God takes him as our 3 roommates have been being transformed into servants of a mighty God.

Cheers!