Thoughts of a Servant

I remember Russell mentioning that missions is a call to worship.  And its interesting because I am looking at the challenge ahead of me, and there is absolutely no logical reason for me to go.  All logic points at me staying here and continuing the great life I have going now.  But its a call to worship?!

I often wonder about this trip to Tanzania, and if it is a permanent thing, what does it mean to me… And WHY does it mean that much to me…

Here’s the thing.  Its a cliche saying, but our whole lives we go searching for something– an unknown satisfaction– an unknown purpose.  And most of us, unfortunately, do not realize that purpose.  And this is because we are searching for the wrong thing.  If we seek purpose in ourselves, we will find failure– but the truth behind our seeking is the finding of worship.

Take a handful of the many African individuals who have had to face reealll tragedy.  They travel from Sudan to Tanzania and Kenya in search of safety, security, and a home because they have lost everything.  This trip is over 1000 miles, and they do it on foot.  This trip isn’t just a relaxing walk either– they are traveling through rebel-infested territory, desert, and forest terrain– resources are limited, medication is non-existant, food is scarce, and loneliness is their worst enemy.  And there is a good chance that they are there alone because they had witnessed their families deaths by a machete right in front of them.  How many of us could say that we have experienced that type of pain?  Not many, but when I look at their life, they have pure joy and continually praise God.  AND on top of it all, when they worship– they worship.  They are dancing, jumping, singing, etc.  But if even one of those things happened to us, or even a diluted version of such tragedy, we would question why God hates us.

I seek the worship that these disciples have.  I admire their joy and want to be in community with them.

What kind of love.

I write this with extreme urgency to get my thoughts out in the open:

It has been a while since I have opened up a theological book strictly because I needed time to digest the other material and try and focus on my relationship.  But here is the deal,  I open up CS Lewis’ book and page one starts off with an endearing quote:

The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His.”

George Macdonald

Immediately, I begin thinking of my prayers.  Everything that I pray for, parents, friends, family, and also for boldness, for situations that would test my faith, and for the armor to withstand that faith.  Well let me say that I am sorry!  I am truly sorry that I am praying for you because I have put you in a vulnerable state.  I am truly worried for you if you are in my prayers… And here’s why:

I truly believe that prayers work.  The persistence of prayer is an amazing trust in an Everlasting God, and your prayers go heard, and will be answered in the best possible manner (which isn’t necessarily how you want it).  But, if we look at Job, he had a great life and then God strengthened his faith by allowing suffering (more explanation of my claim in this post about Abraham) to enter his life, and he still continued to praise.

Where here is the thing.  I have been praying for you– that if you don’t know this Love, that you would come to know it.  But let me say that I strive to be like these biblical disciples– And that means that trials, persecution, and tribulation is-a-comin.  And I worry that as temptation, situations, and things start to happen to me, that they might include you.  The pain that is inflicted on me, to strengthen my faith and persistence, will in fact be a test through my family members, friends, family, relationships, well-being, and security strongholds.  And I know that it sounds scary, but it is truthfully, undeniably, and fearfully realistic.

If you, my loved ones, are not prepared to endure this type of test, then that proves you to be an easy target.  There is an armory available, free of charge, to you– and together as an army we are stronger than the lone warrior with only one shield. And I pray that you join me in this battle.

“Let you alone! That’s all very well, but how can I leave myself alone? We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?”– Ray Bradbury

When I was in high school I met this girl name Kate.  She was competing at SkillsUSA in Kansas City at the same time as we were, so its a cool opportunity to meet peeps from across the country.  Well, I just found her blog and wanted to do a shout out to an absolute change in heart to where it excites me to say that our God is working everywhere and all the time.  This was taken from her blog:

Coming to Christ was the most exhilerating thing I had ever experienced. For the first time in my life, I was truly happy. I remember shortly thereafter, my friend Colin coming home from boot camp, and when he asked “What’s new?” all I could say was, “Everything…”

Thats pretty cool, and a great description of the life you lead after accepting Christ– It is a difficult path but a path worth travelling.

It even gives me chills to hear about the things happening with my bro now attending Cape Town University where he plans to be the next president of South Africa with God as his leader.

So many amazing things are happening, concurrently– Hearts being broken, churches being reformed, lives being changed– in short: life is happening.  And quite frankly, I don’t think we are ready for it, but thats the exciting part!

What love

I just read an article on this and it said that in the Jewish culture, they would (1) prepare the body, (2) place it in the tomb, (3) on the third day they would move the stone in front of the tomb, and shout the name of that person three times to make sure they were dead.  Then they would move the tomb stone back and declare them officially deceased.

Well, when Jesus resurrects Lazarus, he specifically waits until the fourth day knowing that the Jewish people would have declared Lazarus completely dead.  Then he goes to the tomb and calls his name once and Lazarus comes forth.

That’s pretty cool, Jesus’ timing everywhere in his journey is immaculate.  And sometimes we don’t recognize that the same concept of timing is essential for us as well.  Jesus could have raised Lazarus an hour after he died, but he didn’t.  And while others might have doubted his powers, it was essential to wait until the fourth day because then the Jewish people would have no excuse that would limit God’s power.  Interesting.

What kind of love.

Most of my friends have brothers / sisters or have this super extravagant, extroverted personality– and its interesting because they immediately think that I am supposed to be just as outgoing.  This is something that I have struggled with and will continue to struggle with, so its an issue in progress, but let me say that this is my thoughts on the subject.

When you look at extroverted personalities, they have a way of uniting people and are naturally fun to be around.  That persona has a certain purpose in life, but there are the “others” who are more introverted that play in intricate role in a group. When I was in Africa (and many other situations outside of Africa, this is just recent), I experienced this expectation (they didn’t mean to, its just natural in an environment that involves different personalities) of introverted vs extroverted personalities.  Some expected me to be like others when in reality it just pushes one even further away.  For example, if you try and bring an introvert to an extrovert, it just makes them more introverted. And when this unknown expectation (even to me at the time) was bestowed on me, I became quiet and needed to back away.  Some of them freaked out and thought I was gonna do something stupid, which I thought was kind of funny.  Looking back on the blogs, I was just thinking through some situations that I had encountered.

Seriously, I am not joking about silent people playing an intricate role in a group.  There is a reason you can’t have a group of leaders; and you can’t simply have a group of followers…  In a view of love languages, you can consider an introvert as a large contributer of support.  The extrovert needs that follower to fulfill their role.  And vice versa.

But here is the thing– I consider my personality a bit different.  I am somewhere smack dab in the middle.  Leader of introverts, follower of extroverts.  You can put me in a group setting and I am perfectly content, I will socialize, and I can certainly lead if needed– but if there is already someone assuming a leadership role, then I can easily take a back seat.

Age vs. mental capacity is also a huge one for me.  I grew up fast learning a lot about business, work ethics, career  paths, etc.  That in return kept me around individuals who were a bit older than I was therefore heavily influencing my mindset.  And as a result, I cannot simply revert back to a “college mindset” where partying and simple living exists.

But at the same time, there is an stereotypical age barrier that lives, unknowingly, between themselves and their view of me.  A stereotype of age influences their view of my intellectual being while it has little or no effect on the actual level of mental awareness.

So these two factors places me in a position where it is difficult to relate with people of my own age, but at the same time difficult to get people around my mindset, but not my age, able to believe me when I say I am 21.

Just as a side note.  When is the last time you just sat with someone without having to say a word?  I have noticed that many people down here feel they need to fill in the silence with chatter.  And I found that I am closest to those who I don’t have to fill in the silences.

I don’t think I can be any more cliche, but here it goes  The ocean is amazing.  We all know it.  It fosters so many different types of lifeforms and ranges from a shallow tide pool to the darkest depths we have never seen.  It can offer a cup of water or tons of tons of pounds per square inch of pressure.  It spans from your back yard to nations across the world thousands of miles away.

I started thinking about it, my perspective of God will never be big enough.  The biggest thing I know of, the ocean, is not even fully fathomable in my mind.  I took a ride to Laguna Beach tonight around midnight to just gaze into this abyss that people– for thousands of years– have pondered over many questions.  But in that I believe I found some answers.

The nature of the ocean can be a slight parallel to the expressions of God.  The ocean slowly meshes the rocks into soft grain and something amazing.  It also has a constant motion and sound.  The ocean also has power that we cannot even imagine, but somehow we choose to dabble in it.

But honestly, I can’t stop at the ocean.  I have to admit that I absolutely love getting out into the wilderness by myself.  It is the one place that makes complete sense and has no imperfections.  It’s the one place where I can ask questions and listen for answers.

I think this is the longest piece ill write with my phone. Hopefully, cause if you could imaging the pain of my ginormous fingers touching these tiny little heyboard keys, you would understand.

Every now and then I realize how unorganized my brain is. Lot of frustration, cheerfulness, etc. And somrtimes it takes a random session to just write what is on your mind, so here weeeee go.

Some things drive me nuts. Drivers everywhere in california especially. They start slowing down to a crawl if there is any sign of precipitation. Oh, and They are super cautious and stop 4-5 car lengths behind the car in front of them at stop lights.

Some things make me happy, like hearing how my dog bit the head off a squirrel and felt darn proud of it. Thats man joy.

But in my life, so many things cross my mind. Some people think im not living the life i should be. They think i need to party and get it out of my system… They think i need that “stuff”. That pisses me off. I love my life. My life is complete. I have no mission for myself with the exception of God’s will. I want nothing of monitary value, just a small statement when I get to heaven with Him saying , well done. I will enjoy each minute of every day, but i dont want to let one minute pass by without ackwnoledging my purpose.

But i mean, it also pisses me off that people think i should be dating like crazy or finding a soul mate. Where does this ideal come from… Why is it that when i say im single, people are always responding, ” oh im sorry, there are plenty of fish…” or “the right one will come”. Why is it never okay to be single? Not to say that if the opportu ity came up i would take it, but what is so wrong about being single at 21, 25, 35, or 90?

Something that pisses me off about myself is my inability to obey. Like that song from jeremy camp or whatever, a fish can obey you, a donkey, the sun, etc can obey you… But i do what i dont want to and i do what i what i dont mean to and im confused. I have this ongoing struggle with pornography that is hard to fight because it is morally acceptable and unbelievably expected of men in our culture. And each time i fall i get pissed that i know the truth and i still cant obey. Why do i do it? My own fault. I convince myself that i can get this satisfaction that is within the bindings of marriage without the committment. Do i like it? Tough question. My body says yes, my mind says maybe, my heart says no. My mind is trickier, my heart is stronger, and my eyes are hungrier. Its called spiritual warfare.

Maybe it all ties together. It all stems from emotion. For emotion. By emotion.

Also. I have been praying for several months about a select few in particular, and i cannot wait for something to happen. I just hope God lets me be here for it. But if not. Thats cool too as lomg as i see them later but i seriously feel for these individuals. I want to see them happy like the joy i have. I actually feel like i would take hell if they would come to know the truth. As paul said about his brothers. And i have never felt that about anyone before.

Arrrrggghhh. What is this tanzania thing?!?! What is it that i am supposed to be doing. Where am i goinng. Is this you god?!?! Show me a sign. Kick my butt in the right direction. Give me a doorway and give me the courage to walk through it. If you tell me to drop my life as i know it, income, stability, , knowledge, friends, etc. Please give me the will and the boldness to do it without needing acknowledgement. Let people see you in my life and the fulfillment that you have given me.

Have you ever thought how or whered you would die? What would you be doing, what would you look like? Maybe a better question: what was your current motive when you died? Was your motiv for someone’s life? Was it videogames. Was it a bar. What was it? And why.

Iv thought about this and its actually one of the reasons i dont watch tv. If god came back right now, i would rather be improving a relationship than betting on a basketball game. There are important things in life, and francis chan’s grandma put it very nicely when she said, “i dont want to be in this theater watching opera when jesus come back, i want to be in his word.”

My mind is all over the place. It got every genera of music playing at the same time with a whole lot of cowbell. But i will continue to pray for direction, relationship, strength, and for those people i know that they may know this joy. This joy, that in the midst of all this uncertainty and “pissedness” will still allow me to love unconditionally.

What kind of love.

As you can tell, my posts have dwindled to a trickle.  I know it happens, but I can’t understand how that transition comes and goes.  But I have also noticed that this is the time where I take a step back and just listen… It is also a time when I am most susceptible to messing up.

One thing I have studied though: emotion.  Life revolves around the notion of emotion.  Everything we do is tied to an emotion.  Some people, like myself, feel like they need to be lemmings and leap off buildings and cliffs and out of planes to satisfy this urge for thrill.  Some of us indulge in liquid courage for many different reasons and many different emotions…  Some work long hours for gratification or praise or some sort of fulfillment… Some go to Disneyland because of what emotions it brings… Some avoid emotion because no emotion is the only only emotion they desire.

Another thing I have noticed, I don’t even know why I have this blog.  Its an interesting creature– Because I don’t blog for others to read about my life– I could care less if people read this or not, and I have no notion of becoming big off of this blog.  It is the fact that when I go back and read this I can see these patterns of strengths, weaknesses– I can recall these emotions I am talking about, and realize that I am still and will forever be a work in progress.  Every now and again I can see a glimpse of where God has me going, and I can definitely see where he has brought me.

Every person I have talked to about blogging has the same fear about starting their own blog.  Its flippin scary from a weakness standpoint.  I become completely transparent in my thoughts…  People who don’t even know me will know more about me before they even meet me… Friends will see these values that I have studied, and hopefully see that I follow them– and even when I stumble, I hold true to these very ideologies. And at any given point someone could bring up a subject that I have written about and I will have to stand for what I believe in.

It’s that kind of fear, persistence, and that kind of journey that Courage flourishes, and thats where we find the heart of our Saviour, in our weaknesses and in our fears he strengthens us.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

I received this email the other day from a friend that is in Africa at Bridges of Hope.  She said that this was left behind by a young girl in one of their classes, and that they are starting to realize that often students will leave notes and things behind because they actually want me to read them. It is typed just as it was written:

Because of you, HIV/AIDS

I had it all
but it went down
the drain

I couldn’t breath
my eyes were full of tears
my heart was cold

My parents were taken
away from me
friends, anyone I cared for

Because of you I have nothing
but I want to let you know
I’m not afraid of you

Because of you HIV/AIDS
I’m strong
you have not destroyed me
and for that you will not bring me down

All you do is give me strength
to fight you so bring it on!!!

- Author Unknown.

Pray for the millions of kids who could claim this as their own around the world.