Thoughts of a Servant

What a life it is to live. It is a life of sacrafice, dedication, pain, suffering and unparalleled joy.  Getting back from Mexico the other day, someone read a blog entry to me from a mom that made her life blogging about her journey as a mom.  While I didn’t think ay of it would apply to me, I was definately wrong.  It was from the popular blog Its Almost Nap Time.

She mentioned the types of happiness versus contentment.  And I got to thinking about it– in my own life, my objective is not to be happy.  As she put it, “happiness is according to your surroundings.”  If we begin looking for happiness, we will never find it because we are looking in things that are worldly, ever-changing, and built-on-sand, if you will.  But being content is another story.  Contentment is based off of your heart, something deep within– it is a happiness that can only be achieved when you are complete and feel that wholeness.

Now this struck home!  Not that I was looking for happiness, but that I can now differentiate between teh different feelings.  Having that knowledge is essential in knowing what is true to your heart.  It is similar to knowing the difference between Good and Evil– right and wrong, left and right, etc.

But I must confess.  I have been reading and reading and learning and learning, and all along being subconsciously convicted for whatever reason (im human).  And it hit today / last night.  I have been torn in my life the type of ministry that God wants me to do.  It seems like he either wants me to go to the UK for seminary, Argentina for outreach, Congo for outreach, South Africa for empowerment and CHE development, and even just staying here and supporting these organizations and testimonies.  I have never been more torn over such a huge decision.  Each of these have different levels of commitment, sacrifice, and risk– but all of them are for his Glory.

This morning I couldn’t wait to get back to church.  I had gone too long without it (almost 3 weeks), so I went to the earliest service–  I missed that community and place of worship.  And in being there, I felt this large conviction that God asked me if I have doubt.  While I have been saying yes, yes, yes– Sometimes I have little hesitation to do certain things… In doing so, my heart hardens towards serving.  Even just the slightest doubt is enough to make you stop.

I feel loved, I feel like he has given me hope– I honestly feel strongly about prayer, and I know for a fact that it works. He convicted me, and saved me from a tiny piece of fear and doubt that would have disrupted my walk with him.  What kind of love is this?

I remember having a conversation with my parents about Abram and his son Isaac and how they traveled to the altar to perform the huge sacrifice of his son.  The idea behind it was that God was testing us to see how we would perform with our faith… Not because he wants to test us, but he knows that it will strengthen our faith in Him.  I was reading Deut today, and I found something similar:

13 If a prophet, or one who foretells by dreams, appears among you and announces to you a miraculous sign or wonder, 2 and if the sign or wonder of which he has spoken takes place, and he says, “Let us follow other gods” (gods you have not known) “and let us worship them,” 3 you must not listen to the words of that prophet or dreamer. The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Dt 13:1–3.

It is very bluntly stated right there, that we will not worship other gods (yet another mention of worshiping other gods).  But if we hear someone say that– we should be weary, because God wants to see how well we will trust his word.

I am on my trek through the Bible in a year– falling a bit behind, but slowly catching up.  Each morning I have been waking up earlier and earlier– Partly because I want to read the Bible, the other part is the fact that I cannot waiiiiiit until the next day.  I absolutely Love my God, and in reading (I am only in Deut. as far as I have, I can’t reiterate how many times he mentions that we should not create false gods, we should not idolize anything other than Him.  But whats the first thing Jerusalem does? Yep, they create a golden calf.  Brilliant.

But its not just that– even today we create idols that we cling to.  Whether its your boyfriend / girlfriend, money, your car, your clothing, your body, or even your safety.  But honestly, what type of security does that give you?  I would consider these false gods if we were to think of them in a certain way.  I am guilty of it too– my job is awesome, and sometimes I find safety in it– but really, one person could get mad and I am without a job.  I have to keep checking myself to see what I value more, what do I look forward to each day?

Well, I guess it really is an extended question– and I just opened a can of worms.  The great commission tells us to go out and make disciples– and I am reading a book, Wild at Heart, and read one a while back, Man Code, that explicitly describe our lives as a mesh.  There is no separation of church and state, there is no separation of work and spiritual life, etc.  It is when you are at work that you reach your full fulfillment of your spiritual life.  It is when you share the Good News that you feel passionate about your faith.  Would you agree?

Sooo, to add on to the other post on another day…  I had to say that this was also another awesome story told in the seminar.

My instructor had been taking a flight from somewhere to somewhere (I know, I didn’t listen to that part, but hear me out).  She got on the plane and just prayed that someone would sit next to her that would wnat to talk about God.

This lady came stomping down the aisle in a grumpy fashion.  And she immadiately thought, OK Lord, maybe not this flight, but the next one!  But she didn’t even know what was going to happen.

The beginning of the flight started off with trying to break the ice with her and getting her into a conversational mood, but efforts failed and she kept praying that God would work in her to speak out and talk.

Well food time came, and she had to put away the book she had been hiding behind in roder to eat her food– so my instructor engaged conversation again.  This time, they got into my instructor’s passion– she was currently going to Biola.  The lady asked her what her major was– she simply replied that she had just switched from being a socialology major as she disagreed with some of the morals and whatnot.

The lady nosed a bit further by asking, what did you find unethical.  And this is the amazing part, my instructor decided to only elaborate on one of the many things she found unethical– she said that she found the usage of electro-shock therapy to be wrong, unworthy, unhealthy, and deadly– and that no one should have to go through that.

Apparently the girl she was talking to ended up in tears.  She was sobbing and all her walls have been broken.  The conversation furthered and she eventually came to know the Lord on this flight . Apparently she grew up in the south hating Christians, and when she was a tennager her mom was in an institution and had been killed by electroshock therapy.

I am absolutely blown away at this.  What are the odds that my instructor would choose to bring that topic out, that she went to school, that she was on this flight, on this seat, open for discussion and awake, with someone who didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to be there.  It is clearly God working in these times, and all my instructor said was “Lord, guide me.”

She brought up a great point.  This is what allows our faith to grow.  We can read the books, deepen our knowledge– but ultimately the Great Commission tells us to go and tell the Nations! and this will fulfill our need for community and friendship and will give us great joy to see our Brothers and Sisters coming to know Christ!

I love the internet sometimes. And today was one of them.  I just had an awesome chat with my good friend in South Africa whom I got to see when I went on the mission trip.  He is an amazing dude by the name of Sinethemba.  His journey is amazing, and as of right now he is at the University of Cape Town with a full-ride scholarship!!  He says its extremely difficult and that you don’t even realize how much you DON’T know before you got to he University hahah.  Please keep him in your prayers as he will be a great man of God aaaaaand the next South African President . He actually is further along that you would think!  He has already joined the ANC and he anticipates that within 30  years time he will be president!

Last Sunday was an awesome day for me.  I got a lot of things done that I haven’t otherwise had the time to take care of.  But most importantly, I was able to go to Church with another one of my good friends.  I was getting scared that she wouldn’t want to come back, but I was sooo excited to hear that she wanted to come.  I had been praying for her over and over.  And I really do want to reiterate that prayer REALLY does work, if you believe and have faith in Him.  What a joyous day.  Pray, it works.  Sometimes not as timely as you want, or even the response you were expecting, but regardless– it will be better than you expected if you pray and isten.

So for some odd reason, I decided to take a different route to the gym.  I also decided to take my truck (when I have the preferred option of the bike). And I also actually accidentally went to the wrong gym all together.  But why?!?!  Well this is a cool short story.

I saw this older lady in the middle of the road and her car had died.  All the traffic around her was honking and zoooooming around her and trying to make her feel as if she were scum for having her car die.  It was in no position to roll off the road, and there was no way of temporarily fixing it to get it somewhere.

I couldn’t help but picture that story where a man was bleeding on the side of the road and I wanted to be that Samaritan that took him in.  So I quickly parked my big ol truck behind her and tried to see if I could diagnose whatever it was that was wrong so everyone could go home safe.  It turned out to be gas, but I ran around everywhere looking for a gas can, but no one sells them.  So, an hour later, we get some gas in her car and off she goes.

I just pray that this type of interaction will open conversation and maybe question a life that demands explanation.  I don’t know where she stood, or what she believes in, but I certainly hope that God would use this story to somehow impact someone, somewhere.  The most important thing you can give someone is time. 

But was it coincidence? Maybe– orrr maybe not.  I don’t know what she was going through, or if she was feeling angry that no one would stop, or maybe at something else entirely.  Maybe she wasn’t feeling anything at all, who knows.  But I would like to think that a little Love goes a looong way.

I pray every day for these types of events that I may spread the Love that God has given me.

“I find I must borrow yet another parable from George MacDonald. Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” (C.S. Lewis – Mere Christianity)

There are times when I feel like life has come to a stand still, like things that were moving are no longer in motion and whatever my purpose was has changed to something that I cannot define yet.  I guess its similar to that of a stagnant pond.  While it may look beautiful, the actual functionality of it is worthless.

There are so many things on hold–  It can be a bit frustrating but I am trying to not be a piece of scum that clogs the drain.  In that curve of spiritual awareness that I talked about in previous posts, where you go from hardcore to no core and then back, is real.  You can feel it, but you can’t get mad at it, or God– You know its going to come, because without it, your superb moments wouldn’t be as superb.

What am I doing?  I want to travel, and I want to start this company, I I I– please Lord. Give me a servants heart. Take away any selfish wants. Give me the will to give an the heart to care.  Give me strength, boldness and courage to talk to people about issues with meaning.  Please provide opportunities that I can share my faith– Please Lord, I beg you to instill me with passion again.  Please work through me, for I am no better than the ground I walk on.  I am utter dirt but you are Holy.  Please take from me what distracts me and ground me in a foundation that is pure.

Sometimes I have to write down whatever it is I am thinking.  Similar to Jack Karouac’s book where he wrote without cease.  It gets everything out.  It establishes a place where you can view your situation from a 3rd party’s view.

Scatterbrained?  A bit.  But not worthless.  The mind is amazing– words are meaningful, they give us purpose, they give use structure, they give us a way to communicate, and sometimes they give us barriers that we have to cross.

So, this facebook thing– I start to like it less and less.  I don’t want to be spending my time posting what I am doing.  I don’t want to comment on someone’s bathroom status.  I don’t want to join several mafia wars or join the “I hate facebook cause”.  I was listening to Francis and he mentioned that we have so many choices, everything is about us.  From the bread we eat to lunch to dinner to gas to paper to any aspect of life, it is all preference.  That makes us inward focused and not concious to our surroundings — other countries: if they have money, and if they have bread at the bakery, they buy it– here: if they have 3 cheese bread or the french baguette, then we may buy one, if it is warm, and if it comes with a slight hint of butter and maybe a french-press coffee to go with it.

Sometimes I get frustrated– okay most of the time– with the way that we (including me) live our life.  But at the same flippin time I also want to live the way I want to live.  And sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to sin, to have sex, to drink, to party, checkout strip joints, maybe smoke a joint, get into fights, yell at people, talk trash to women, spit game, take what is rightfully mine, to “live life” like a rockstar– and I am sure I would be pretty damn good at it.  Sometimes I reaaaaaly wish I could just cut loose like I see people doing, and have “fun”.  It is so hard.  But I assure you and myself, that there is a life worth living that is not of this world.

I write this in blog format, but if someone would reply to this with a solution, I might get pissed too.  Because I know people that have so far excluded themselves from the reality of life, that everything they do is Holy.  They have everything, they don’t have to deal with the real world.  They get to seclude themselves and point fingers all day.  THATS NOT WHERE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!  We are called to be in the world, but not of the world.  We need to be reaching our arms out to those who cannot hear.  We need to be in the life and the light.  HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO REACH PEOPLE FROM OUR COUCH!! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE AND FELLOWSHIP FROM OUR HOUSE?! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HELP! My goodness man.  Sometimes people need a kick in the pants.  Can someone please give them a wakeup call!!!

I really admire my roommate.  He has found his niche it seems.  Quite the fellowship he has at Woodbridge.  And that is great for him.  I try and pray for him as much as I remember so that he may stay strong when the weaknesses start to thrive.  I don’t say that in a “GOOOODLY” sense, I say that from a man of God point of view.  We need to pray for one-another. We need to encourage eachother.  You must not cause your brother to stumble.

I also admire my other friend Meli.  She is such a girl.  Every time I see her she is just in her element with her Girls– This type of fellowship is amazing.  Her church is perfect for her as well (Newport).  I love to just sit with her and hear about the many things God is doing in her life.

I guess, more than anything– I miss my fellowship.  You begin to grow weak when you cannot get rejuvenated, and for whatever reason– I have been unable to get to church in some 3-4 weeks.  And as you can notice, my blogs have slowly dwindled to a crawl because of my diverted energy rather that overflowing.  I am surprised that I have lasted this long without punching someone as it is kind of difficult not to right now.

Over the past few months, I have been talking with people about their faith, their culture, expression, compassion, and relationships– It has been absolutely amazing.  But I have grown weary, the walls and the barriers are so great, the foundation of destruction has been so long.  Several of my friends have tried the Bible, but hated the hypocracy, then threatened by the Catholic schools, rejected by Mormon/Baptist/Witchcraft/and other faiths– ugh.  Sometimes its as easy as saying, “Give God a try, if you don’t like him, the devil will always take you back”  and other times, its so hard to get them away from the Devil because he has such a GRIP on them.  I can’t take it, but my God can– but it still breaks my heart to a depth that I cannot express.  Of course, I like it when I can see them changing…

I just started tearing up for the first time in a week or two.  I am not one to readily admit it, but this is something special.  If you begin to feel something for others, you know something is right with God and in your heart.  These past two weeks have gone by like a few hours, but have felt like two years.

Please, just look back, see what God has done in your life and this world.  Just a few things: He has liberated Myriam and Merizah in Iran from being imprisioned! He is constantly liberating children from trafficking.  He is helping the people of Haiti with physical needs from the world and their heart’s needs through love.  He has just planted several churches in the OC area alone.

And also, please be weary… Because the “devil prowels around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” for he is constantly at work as well.

I am honestly asking that there are no responses to this blog.  But that there are prayers, not just for me– but for those who do not know the Joy of having the Savior.  There was a point not too long ago where I had so much joy I had tears.  And that is a lot of joy for a man to be in tears.  And I am almost in tears thinking about it, knowing that one day I will have that kind of joy for the rest of eternity.  Please, pray for those who cannot see, who cannot feel the presence of God.  Pray pray pray, because prayer is amazing.

For all those evolutionists: I am just curious as to what your thoughts are on Haiti.  I would like to know how you can explain those feelings of wanting to help, wanting to send money / resources / etc.  But in reality, the theory of evolution says that those who die are of the weaker species.  So according to the theory, they were supposed to die because they were weaker– and you should be happy that you lived.  But instead, you feel a heartfelt deep real-ness when you look at Haiti, and you want to help.  So, which do you believe?