Thoughts of a Servant

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

I received this email the other day from a friend that is in Africa at Bridges of Hope.  She said that this was left behind by a young girl in one of their classes, and that they are starting to realize that often students will leave notes and things behind because they actually want me to read them. It is typed just as it was written:

Because of you, HIV/AIDS

I had it all
but it went down
the drain

I couldn’t breath
my eyes were full of tears
my heart was cold

My parents were taken
away from me
friends, anyone I cared for

Because of you I have nothing
but I want to let you know
I’m not afraid of you

Because of you HIV/AIDS
I’m strong
you have not destroyed me
and for that you will not bring me down

All you do is give me strength
to fight you so bring it on!!!

- Author Unknown.

Pray for the millions of kids who could claim this as their own around the world.

Man, that was such a relief.  I had sat down at lunch and just started reading my Bible.  I continued my bible-in-hear plan with Joshua 1, and I couldn’t tell you how hard it hit me.  God knew I needed this word, and he spoke it directly to me.

I have been dealing with this warfare on whether it is my own ambition wanting to go to Tanzania or if it was actually my calling.  I now know that its, in fact, my calling.  Check it:

Joshua 1 talks about Joshua assuming authority after Moses dies.  He is bringing the people into the land of Canaan. He keeps repeating and repeating these simple words:

Be strong and courageous (v6)
Be strong and very courageous (v7)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. (v9)

and ends with:

Only be strong and courageous! (v18)

Clearly he sees Joshua trembling with the fear of if he is capable, if he is worthy, if he can drop everything and lead these people. This is exactly where I am in my questions about Tanzania. And God just keeps pounding this message into him saying he needs to be strong and courageous and not to be scared because the Lord will be with him:

Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Jos 1:9.

It also says that God will not be pleased with partial obedience (only us talking about it):

Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; …

Jos 1:8a

And then explicitly ties success with our obedience in the second part of that verse:

… meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Jos 1:8b

That calmed another fear that I have about success.  I have been brainwashed with the world’s idea of success– and that sometimes influences my decisions to do God’s work.  But looking at this passage it is very clear that success (not of this world) is given as a gift of obedience and having that special relationship.

When God’s people unite around the core duty of obedience, they can rest assured that God will bless them in wonderful ways.

Roger Ellsworth, Opening Up Joshua (Leominster: Day One Publications, 2008). 36.

I already feel the pressure. Questions flying around in my head although the actual move is far off in the distance.

• What am I thinking?  I have a great life and can help many people right from my computer.
• Why would I want to give everything up?
• After a fun night of salsa with friends and intense dancing: Why would I want to leave this?  So much dancing and fun girls.
• After coming home, relaxing, playing some games: Why can’t I just stay here?
• After going out to eat at some steakhouse or cafe: Why don’t I just stay here.  Live music, dancing, food, what can be better?

All of these questions are components of spiritual warfare.  I know in my heart that the change would be far greater if I were to spend time with these people.  I can’t see the logic, but I know that there is a truth.  These girls need a father and a man who can show them that there are good men in this world.  Those boys need someone to foster their boyhood and be a strong foundation for their family structure.  They need the love of a father.

I keep asking those questions above because I am scared– scared of the risk.   I am also scared that if it doesn’t work out I would have completely crushed the opportunities that I have going right now.  My job requires me to be on the leading edge of technology at all times– with it changing every day, every hour, every second.. I couldn’t possibly keep up if I were to leave for a year, let alone several years.  But would it be worth it?

You tell me.

You go to serve these kids, these adults– You show them Love unlike any they have ever seen because it is of Christ.  They then have a reason to live, a reason to fight, a purpose for their life, and a will to change other lives.  They will have safety, family, community.  I would sacrifice my everything that one individual might have a purpose in life and come to know this Love that I know. Let me clarify, its nothing that I can do that would transform lives– but I am completely open to God working in and through me.  That being said, I know that his Love can transform anything.

I am already encountering so many hard questions on my own life– on my decisions…  The only way I can get rid of them is for me to make them public and to talk about them.  If I keep them inside, my mind will convince myself to back off into my comfort zone.

We need to be aware of these questions, while they may be legit at times, other times they are a source of fear and temptation.   Often they keep your motives in check, but even more often they can be a deceiving catalyst of suppression.

But all in all, I will need your prayer and support, because its not a random instance that you are reading this blog, it is because I need you to challenge me and to challenge yourself on what kind of love this really is.

What kind of love.

I have been praying for quite some time now, over a year or two, on what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life.  I have been waiting and praying that my own ambition doesn’t get in the way of God’s purpose.  And I am super stoked, and at the same time extremely nervous / hesitant, to say that my prayers are slowly being answered.

I have had such an amazing life so far.  Friends, family, co-workers, everyone I have met has made an impact on my life.  My childhood couldn’t have been any better with such amazing parents guiding me every step of the way, my high school years were merited with challenges, successes, and failures–  college was a huge growth period for my faith, and I currently have a comfortable life in Orange County / LA (The capital of business and “dreams” and sunny weather ).  My job is one of a kind and I am so very thankful that God has given me the opportunity to work for 2Advanced.

But now there are hundreds of thousands of empty pages in front of me.  My prayers have been adding more and more empty pages as I await my next step.  The anticipation for direction had been killing me, and sometimes it became unbearable– even asking if He really does have a purpose for me…  But after some time of waiting…  I finally have an answer in progress.

Thursday, March 6th at 1:30PM I was sitting in a park overlooking the entire valley.  I was praying once again for direction and for God to reveal where my heart resides.  He answered me with something that I knew I was born to do.  He is calling me to Tanzania.

I have been being prepped with the CHE program, I have been to South Africa and left my heart there,  I even met someone who lives in Tanzania that would be able to be a foundation for me, I have started taking Swahili (their primary language), I have also been immersed in learning more about faith, and reading the Bible, for a reason.  All of the arrows are pointing toward a mission in Tanzania.

In Tanzania I will be around all of my desired missions: Child Soldiers, Human & Child Trafficking, Poverty and Community Development, and Church Plants.  I believe that this is my calling, and maybe a single entity that combines all of these passions.  And now my prayer is that it is indeed Him telling me to go, rather than my own ambition– and that it would still remain free form to his plan rather than mine.

Now, I am SOOO stoked to say that I am extremely passionate about this calling.  I know its dangerous, I know its a major risk from my chill pad here in Orange County– but let me put it this way…

I have been given so many gifts: such a great family, so much knowledge, so much “stuff.”  And this is exactly what the disciples had– they had families, they had a life, they had jobs– and Jesus asked them to drop everything and pick up their cross.  I believe that this is what he is calling me to do.  He desires for me to pick up my cross.  He is wanting me to display my faith, and trust in Him, by considering this life (OC lifestyle) as rubbish compared to his purpose for me in Africa.

Like always, the passage this Sunday seemed like it was geared directly at me.  On this great Mother’s day, I was sitting there with my amazing mom listening to the pastor talk about Philippians 3.  In this chapter Paul is writing a letter to the Philippian church talking about this life and their desires.

He mentions that if they have reason to think that they have merited God’s love because of their good deeds, then they are wrong– because Paul could easily think that as well:

 

If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Php 3:4–6.

 

Meaning, that Paul could easily think that he was indeed meriting God’s love because he was a Hebrew of Hebrews, a pure blood, and a follower of the law (to precision — aka Pharisee).  Meaning that if you gave him a law, he would keep the law– and therefore was right with God.  But then he goes on to say:

 

7 But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Php 3:7–11.

 

So he finds this life rubbish.  The life that we would consider perfection, complete, and meriting God’s love is completely false.  He (and I) want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

In hearing this call to Tanzania, I must pick up my cross, consider this life rubbish, and go to serve with God in Tanzania.

Wow, what kind of love?

Today is the first day that I can answer it truthfully…  This is the kind of love that never fails, never waits, is unconditional, all powerful, unbreakable, worth dying for, and worth living for.

Okay, this has GOT to stop.  My heart absolutely breaks every time I hear about this.  You may think I am stupid for being a man who says his heart breaks, but its true.  If you have a daughter, anywhere from 5-16ish, imagine her being dragged, bribed, encouraged to go into a sex trade.  She is then injected with drugs that keep her concious, but not able to do anything.  Hundreds of men come into her tent / room and commence something that is supposed to be sacred to marriage but has been reduced to a mere ”pennies for satisfaction” action.  Then she is moved to a different location when they get a new set of girls in or if she gets too old, and eventually she is killed / sold / cast aside.

That is your daughter!  That is your daughter.  It is absolutely utterly indescribably evil.

More than two million children (2 MILLION CHILDREN) are currently being trafficked around the world.  Some pedophiles will actually travel to other countries to pay for women because they will be exempt from the laws of the United States.

I can’t stand it.  I started to write a poem to try and express it, but honestly, words cannot describe it.  Words cannot describe it.  Words.. cannot… describe…. it.  A little girl, a little boy, even a teen– should not EVER have to go through this.  100K children are expected to be trafficked through South Africa alone during the World Cup.

You have no idea how much I have struggled with the words on this blog.  Deleting words, changing words, adding words, deleting again.  Words cannot describe.  I read a few poems

Words… cannot describe.

“As soon as I arrived and as soon as he brought me to his apartment, everything started. He told me there was no work and that I had crossed the border in order to work as a prostitute, that he had paid a ton of money for me and that he will come for me in three days, and that I had to be ready by then,” she continued. “I told him to get his mother ready instead, and then he hit me on the head with his fist. Since we were in the kitchen I turned around and struck him with a pot. Naturally, I was no match for him physically. He beat and raped me constantly for three days, to the point where I was lying in blood and urine while tied to a bed. He then brought two of his friends who raped me, put out cigarette butts on me, and cut me with razors.”

Martina was locked in a Rome apartment for two months. Instead of working in a restaurant, she was beaten and raped daily until she was “broken” and had become a sexual slave. Then, she says, the man who bought her took her out to the street.

It is EVEN said that after a disaster such as Haiti, trafficking business increases because people are in vulnerable states and are willing to pay for immediate satisfaction, or to be sold into the trade.  Before the Haiti earthquake, 300k children were already slaves, and that number is said to have drastically increased.

How evil can man be?  We need your help.  There are so many organizations out there, the SOLD project, IJM (International Justice Mission), and many others.  We need to change this.  This is absolutely disgusting.

I have been completely absent from Reno (my hometown) since 2007, making it almost 3 years since I have been there.  I was looking through some pictures of Reno from some friends on Facebook, and I have to say– it is gorgeous, it is fun, active, and plenty of outdoor opportunities in which I am in love with.  Lots of friends still live there, lots of church family there, but honestly– I don’t think I miss Reno.  For me, Reno was a safe zone– it was where I felt secluded from the world.  I didn’t fear anything, I felt like a big fish.  I felt like I could succeed there.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, it is just something that is evolving in my mind.  Say someone goes abroad to a nation where they don’t know the language…  They don’t have friends.. They don’t have a community / history with the people there.  They look back home and they see comfort, friends, etc.  They look forward to where they are now, and they see a big cultural, mental and maybe even physical battle ahead of them.  It looks like things are going to change, and they have to start their life from scratch.

I can’t help but think about losing myself.  In order to find your purpose and your value, you have to lose yourself.  I know it sounds crazy, but once you get your pride, your possessions, your image out of the way, you will see that you are worth nothing more than the ground you walk on and that you are in need of a Savior.

Russell brought up a point about fasting that should be emphasized.  Fasting from something clears your mind and allows you to see where your heart’s desire is.  Say you fast from food, you begin to see how much of a security it is, and how much you depend on it, and that you might actually be worshiping it.

Well I consider my move from Reno a form fasting.  Since I have been there I have grown to an unbelievable position in my faith after being severely tested, and still have unfathomable lengths to go (along with much tribulation).  But being outside of that position where I felt like I could succeed and into a position where I was the least of many in Los Angeles,  being outside of my zone of similar interests and language and into a melting pot of fascinating multi-cultural exposure, has better equipped me for whatever God has me doing next.

Throughout the Bible we see stories of people having to start over.  Each of the disciples had to drop their families, careers, and community ties upon following Jesus.  Paul had a major restart in life from being a persecutor of Christians to being a beloved follower of Christ.  Noah obviously had the whole world die around him and he had to start over with just his family and a couple of animals.  If you were in any of those situations wouldn’t you think the future is going to be difficult?  But isn’t it so worth it.

Each time we are put out of our comfort zone, or put into a position of fasting, we should act like the dog and the ball.

What kind of love.

My good friends up in LA have officially started a church called Basileia.  I went on Sunday to check it out, and I must say that I am stoked!  It is a nice relaxing atmosphere with a passionate message.  The best part about it is that it is in partnership with several churches.  With partnership, you know you are doing something right and good.  You can see God moving all throughout Hollywood / LA, and I am excited to help out in any way I can.  Here is a photo from Sunday:

But I also feel convicted–  Because I have been fortunate enough to help out with some of the graphics and web dev stuff, but sometimes I just get overthrown with work and cannot get things to them in a decent time so that they can continue.  I hate pushing things of ministry aside in order to just focus on work  So Holly, I am dearly sorry, just know that I do want to fulfill my word– but for some reason things just pile up and then explode all at once.  I am so excited for you and your involvement with Broken Hearts and Basileia!

That kind of distraction is very common.   Whenever you are doing something good, say: feeding the homeless on saturday mornings, or giving time to talk at lunch– things will come up to try and distract you.

Be weary.  Plow through it. Pick up where you left off.  Keep going.

I took a little mental trip to the Soviet today.  I am currently fascinated with foreign cultures and how they perceive certain events and topics.  So I spent some time observing Russia’s prominent religion: Православие, or Orthodox (announced: Pravoslavije).

I was surprised to see how much pride they take in their church.  Both believers and non-believers hold the church as a symbol for their heritage and development of their country.  Inside of this church you will find several denominations such as Roman Catholics, Armenian Gregorian and various Protestant.

Doing some research on the religions, I found that Christianity is not even a percentage of their population, 70% is orthodox and the others are very minimal ( <6%).  Jehovah’s witnesses appear to be more prominent than Christians.

There was actually an anti-religion movement from 1917 to 1928 where they followed Marxist beliefs and were radical against believers.

The tenth CPSU (Communist Party of the Soviet Union) congress met in 1921 and it passed a resolution calling for ‘widescale organization, leadership, and cooperation in the task of anti-religious agitation and propaganda among the broad masses of the workers, using the mass media, films, books, lectures, and other devices.

David E. Powell, Antireligious Propaganda in the Soviet Union: A Study of Mass Persuasion (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 1975) p. 34;

The supression of religion was so great, they even had concentration caps strictly for believers.  They executed 95k individuals including clergy and bishops, etc within an individual camp by  a firing squad.

In the period between 1927 and 1940, the number of Orthodox Churches in the Russian Republic fell from 29,584 to less than 500.

…

There was a massive closure of churches (reducing the number from 22,000 to 7,000 by 1965

…

[and so many more]

BUT in all of this repression, there is so much hope!

Riga priest Nikolai Trubetskoi (1907-1978) lived under the Nazi occupation of Latvia, and when the Germans retreated out of Latvia in 1944, he escaped out of a German evacuation boat and hid behind to await the Red Army, but he was arrested by the NKVD and sentenced to ten years of hard labour for collaboration with the enemy. This was because under the occupation he had been a zealous pastor and a had done very successful missionary work. In reference to missionary work in the occupied territory near Leningrad he wrote ‘We opened and re-consecrated closed churches, carried out mass baptisms. It’s hard to imagine how, after years of Soviet domination, people hungered after the Word of God. We married and buried people; we had literally no time for sleep. I think that if such a mission were sent today [1978] to the Urals, Siberia or even the Ukrained, we’d see the same result.’

Dimitry V. Pospielovsky. A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer, vol 2: Soviet Antireligious Campaigns and Persecutions, St Martin’s Press, New York (1988) pg 92-93

Maybe the time is now.  A reformation started in the 80′s that openly accepted the Catholic Orthodox Church as an icon for their country.  But there are still levels of the bourgeois that will not be able to understand the “mumbo jumbo”.  Something similar to the Martin Luther reformation.  It could be a large movement that will shape these 100 million individuals into knowing a relationship…

What a picture…   What kind of love.

A little over two years ago I wrote a note on facebook– and in that two-year timeframe, which is the equivelant of 1/10th of my life, my mission / life / mind / heart has fully changed.  Isn’t that cool!  Who knew that two years later I would be looking at that post thinking how much I have changed, and also thinking to myself that I should and do have the will of a mustard seed (Matthew 13:31).

But the interesting thing is: only one thing has changed.  I still do computer stuff, I still work my butt off, I still struggle with money, with schooling, etc.  But I love God.  Just loving him has transformed my perspective, my mission, my life.  Everything I do is for Him– everything I have is his.  What a relief it is, I went from saying:

come on now. i need internet. tele vision. phone. i feel like a quaker right now. stupid time warmer cable. for one week. i will be checking from my phone. i guess that song was right. think its by like john mayer . you never really know what you got till its gone . darn them people who turnedparadise into that dog gone parking lot. there is the government or ya

(9/11/2007)

To now being able to say that I am nothing, I am only a servant of a mighty God and that I can achieve nothing without him.  I want to serve abroad, in my neighborhood, anywhere he calls me.  I can live without internet, television, phone, etc.  And unlike John Mayer’s song, I know what I have, because I lost it– and God gave me my purpose.

Okay, so I live in a nice part of Orange County.  The houses around me are somewhere around $500-700k and I am in some nice apartments.  But it blew me away tonight to see the regulars doing their nightly dumpster dive.  But the thing is, I am pretty sure they are competing… There is a group that does it early in the morning, and the other group just switched to late at night.  I am just absolutely blown away by this– saddened and awakened.  I mean, I just got back from Mexico, and they were doing the same thing.

Its everywhere, the poverty, the necessity to have more, the inability to complete desires, etc.  Sometimes its a disease that infects our heart, and sometimes it is a lifetime barrier that we have to live with and may never get out of.

Regardless, take heart and help when needed.  Maybe save your cans in a bag and give it to them when you see them without acknowledging that you want to help.  It take a lot to do that, a lot of dignity is swallowed.  I just thought that it was interesting that with all of these nice cars and whatnot, there is still a need