I think this is the longest piece ill write with my phone. Hopefully, cause if you could imaging the pain of my ginormous fingers touching these tiny little heyboard keys, you would understand. ;)

Every now and then I realize how unorganized my brain is. Lot of frustration, cheerfulness, etc. And somrtimes it takes a random session to just write what is on your mind, so here weeeee go.

Some things drive me nuts. Drivers everywhere in california especially. They start slowing down to a crawl if there is any sign of precipitation. Oh, and They are super cautious and stop 4-5 car lengths behind the car in front of them at stop lights.

Some things make me happy, like hearing how my dog bit the head off a squirrel and felt darn proud of it. Thats man joy.

But in my life, so many things cross my mind. Some people think im not living the life i should be. They think i need to party and get it out of my system… They think i need that “stuff”. That pisses me off. I love my life. My life is complete. I have no mission for myself with the exception of God’s will. I want nothing of monitary value, just a small statement when I get to heaven with Him saying , well done. I will enjoy each minute of every day, but i dont want to let one minute pass by without ackwnoledging my purpose.

But i mean, it also pisses me off that people think i should be dating like crazy or finding a soul mate. Where does this ideal come from… Why is it that when i say im single, people are always responding, ” oh im sorry, there are plenty of fish…” or “the right one will come”. Why is it never okay to be single? Not to say that if the opportu ity came up i would take it, but what is so wrong about being single at 21, 25, 35, or 90?

Something that pisses me off about myself is my inability to obey. Like that song from jeremy camp or whatever, a fish can obey you, a donkey, the sun, etc can obey you… But i do what i dont want to and i do what i what i dont mean to and im confused. I have this ongoing struggle with pornography that is hard to fight because it is morally acceptable and unbelievably expected of men in our culture. And each time i fall i get pissed that i know the truth and i still cant obey. Why do i do it? My own fault. I convince myself that i can get this satisfaction that is within the bindings of marriage without the committment. Do i like it? Tough question. My body says yes, my mind says maybe, my heart says no. My mind is trickier, my heart is stronger, and my eyes are hungrier. Its called spiritual warfare.

Maybe it all ties together. It all stems from emotion. For emotion. By emotion.

Also. I have been praying for several months about a select few in particular, and i cannot wait for something to happen. I just hope God lets me be here for it. But if not. Thats cool too as lomg as i see them later ;) but i seriously feel for these individuals. I want to see them happy like the joy i have. I actually feel like i would take hell if they would come to know the truth. As paul said about his brothers. And i have never felt that about anyone before.

Arrrrggghhh. What is this tanzania thing?!?! What is it that i am supposed to be doing. Where am i goinng. Is this you god?!?! Show me a sign. Kick my butt in the right direction. Give me a doorway and give me the courage to walk through it. If you tell me to drop my life as i know it, income, stability, , knowledge, friends, etc. Please give me the will and the boldness to do it without needing acknowledgement. Let people see you in my life and the fulfillment that you have given me.

Have you ever thought how or whered you would die? What would you be doing, what would you look like? Maybe a better question: what was your current motive when you died? Was your motiv for someone’s life? Was it videogames. Was it a bar. What was it? And why.

Iv thought about this and its actually one of the reasons i dont watch tv. If god came back right now, i would rather be improving a relationship than betting on a basketball game. There are important things in life, and francis chan’s grandma put it very nicely when she said, “i dont want to be in this theater watching opera when jesus come back, i want to be in his word.”

My mind is all over the place. It got every genera of music playing at the same time with a whole lot of cowbell. But i will continue to pray for direction, relationship, strength, and for those people i know that they may know this joy. This joy, that in the midst of all this uncertainty and “pissedness” will still allow me to love unconditionally.

What kind of love.