Thoughts of a Servant

Most of my friends have brothers / sisters or have this super extravagant, extroverted personality– and its interesting because they immediately think that I am supposed to be just as outgoing.  This is something that I have struggled with and will continue to struggle with, so its an issue in progress, but let me say that this is my thoughts on the subject.

When you look at extroverted personalities, they have a way of uniting people and are naturally fun to be around.  That persona has a certain purpose in life, but there are the “others” who are more introverted that play in intricate role in a group. When I was in Africa (and many other situations outside of Africa, this is just recent), I experienced this expectation (they didn’t mean to, its just natural in an environment that involves different personalities) of introverted vs extroverted personalities.  Some expected me to be like others when in reality it just pushes one even further away.  For example, if you try and bring an introvert to an extrovert, it just makes them more introverted. And when this unknown expectation (even to me at the time) was bestowed on me, I became quiet and needed to back away.  Some of them freaked out and thought I was gonna do something stupid, which I thought was kind of funny.  Looking back on the blogs, I was just thinking through some situations that I had encountered.

Seriously, I am not joking about silent people playing an intricate role in a group.  There is a reason you can’t have a group of leaders; and you can’t simply have a group of followers…  In a view of love languages, you can consider an introvert as a large contributer of support.  The extrovert needs that follower to fulfill their role.  And vice versa.

But here is the thing– I consider my personality a bit different.  I am somewhere smack dab in the middle.  Leader of introverts, follower of extroverts.  You can put me in a group setting and I am perfectly content, I will socialize, and I can certainly lead if needed– but if there is already someone assuming a leadership role, then I can easily take a back seat.

Age vs. mental capacity is also a huge one for me.  I grew up fast learning a lot about business, work ethics, career  paths, etc.  That in return kept me around individuals who were a bit older than I was therefore heavily influencing my mindset.  And as a result, I cannot simply revert back to a “college mindset” where partying and simple living exists.

But at the same time, there is an stereotypical age barrier that lives, unknowingly, between themselves and their view of me.  A stereotype of age influences their view of my intellectual being while it has little or no effect on the actual level of mental awareness.

So these two factors places me in a position where it is difficult to relate with people of my own age, but at the same time difficult to get people around my mindset, but not my age, able to believe me when I say I am 21.

Just as a side note.  When is the last time you just sat with someone without having to say a word?  I have noticed that many people down here feel they need to fill in the silence with chatter.  And I found that I am closest to those who I don’t have to fill in the silences.

I don’t think I can be any more cliche, but here it goes  The ocean is amazing.  We all know it.  It fosters so many different types of lifeforms and ranges from a shallow tide pool to the darkest depths we have never seen.  It can offer a cup of water or tons of tons of pounds per square inch of pressure.  It spans from your back yard to nations across the world thousands of miles away.

I started thinking about it, my perspective of God will never be big enough.  The biggest thing I know of, the ocean, is not even fully fathomable in my mind.  I took a ride to Laguna Beach tonight around midnight to just gaze into this abyss that people– for thousands of years– have pondered over many questions.  But in that I believe I found some answers.

The nature of the ocean can be a slight parallel to the expressions of God.  The ocean slowly meshes the rocks into soft grain and something amazing.  It also has a constant motion and sound.  The ocean also has power that we cannot even imagine, but somehow we choose to dabble in it.

But honestly, I can’t stop at the ocean.  I have to admit that I absolutely love getting out into the wilderness by myself.  It is the one place that makes complete sense and has no imperfections.  It’s the one place where I can ask questions and listen for answers.

I think this is the longest piece ill write with my phone. Hopefully, cause if you could imaging the pain of my ginormous fingers touching these tiny little heyboard keys, you would understand.

Every now and then I realize how unorganized my brain is. Lot of frustration, cheerfulness, etc. And somrtimes it takes a random session to just write what is on your mind, so here weeeee go.

Some things drive me nuts. Drivers everywhere in california especially. They start slowing down to a crawl if there is any sign of precipitation. Oh, and They are super cautious and stop 4-5 car lengths behind the car in front of them at stop lights.

Some things make me happy, like hearing how my dog bit the head off a squirrel and felt darn proud of it. Thats man joy.

But in my life, so many things cross my mind. Some people think im not living the life i should be. They think i need to party and get it out of my system… They think i need that “stuff”. That pisses me off. I love my life. My life is complete. I have no mission for myself with the exception of God’s will. I want nothing of monitary value, just a small statement when I get to heaven with Him saying , well done. I will enjoy each minute of every day, but i dont want to let one minute pass by without ackwnoledging my purpose.

But i mean, it also pisses me off that people think i should be dating like crazy or finding a soul mate. Where does this ideal come from… Why is it that when i say im single, people are always responding, ” oh im sorry, there are plenty of fish…” or “the right one will come”. Why is it never okay to be single? Not to say that if the opportu ity came up i would take it, but what is so wrong about being single at 21, 25, 35, or 90?

Something that pisses me off about myself is my inability to obey. Like that song from jeremy camp or whatever, a fish can obey you, a donkey, the sun, etc can obey you… But i do what i dont want to and i do what i what i dont mean to and im confused. I have this ongoing struggle with pornography that is hard to fight because it is morally acceptable and unbelievably expected of men in our culture. And each time i fall i get pissed that i know the truth and i still cant obey. Why do i do it? My own fault. I convince myself that i can get this satisfaction that is within the bindings of marriage without the committment. Do i like it? Tough question. My body says yes, my mind says maybe, my heart says no. My mind is trickier, my heart is stronger, and my eyes are hungrier. Its called spiritual warfare.

Maybe it all ties together. It all stems from emotion. For emotion. By emotion.

Also. I have been praying for several months about a select few in particular, and i cannot wait for something to happen. I just hope God lets me be here for it. But if not. Thats cool too as lomg as i see them later but i seriously feel for these individuals. I want to see them happy like the joy i have. I actually feel like i would take hell if they would come to know the truth. As paul said about his brothers. And i have never felt that about anyone before.

Arrrrggghhh. What is this tanzania thing?!?! What is it that i am supposed to be doing. Where am i goinng. Is this you god?!?! Show me a sign. Kick my butt in the right direction. Give me a doorway and give me the courage to walk through it. If you tell me to drop my life as i know it, income, stability, , knowledge, friends, etc. Please give me the will and the boldness to do it without needing acknowledgement. Let people see you in my life and the fulfillment that you have given me.

Have you ever thought how or whered you would die? What would you be doing, what would you look like? Maybe a better question: what was your current motive when you died? Was your motiv for someone’s life? Was it videogames. Was it a bar. What was it? And why.

Iv thought about this and its actually one of the reasons i dont watch tv. If god came back right now, i would rather be improving a relationship than betting on a basketball game. There are important things in life, and francis chan’s grandma put it very nicely when she said, “i dont want to be in this theater watching opera when jesus come back, i want to be in his word.”

My mind is all over the place. It got every genera of music playing at the same time with a whole lot of cowbell. But i will continue to pray for direction, relationship, strength, and for those people i know that they may know this joy. This joy, that in the midst of all this uncertainty and “pissedness” will still allow me to love unconditionally.

What kind of love.

As you can tell, my posts have dwindled to a trickle.  I know it happens, but I can’t understand how that transition comes and goes.  But I have also noticed that this is the time where I take a step back and just listen… It is also a time when I am most susceptible to messing up.

One thing I have studied though: emotion.  Life revolves around the notion of emotion.  Everything we do is tied to an emotion.  Some people, like myself, feel like they need to be lemmings and leap off buildings and cliffs and out of planes to satisfy this urge for thrill.  Some of us indulge in liquid courage for many different reasons and many different emotions…  Some work long hours for gratification or praise or some sort of fulfillment… Some go to Disneyland because of what emotions it brings… Some avoid emotion because no emotion is the only only emotion they desire.

Another thing I have noticed, I don’t even know why I have this blog.  Its an interesting creature– Because I don’t blog for others to read about my life– I could care less if people read this or not, and I have no notion of becoming big off of this blog.  It is the fact that when I go back and read this I can see these patterns of strengths, weaknesses– I can recall these emotions I am talking about, and realize that I am still and will forever be a work in progress.  Every now and again I can see a glimpse of where God has me going, and I can definitely see where he has brought me.

Every person I have talked to about blogging has the same fear about starting their own blog.  Its flippin scary from a weakness standpoint.  I become completely transparent in my thoughts…  People who don’t even know me will know more about me before they even meet me… Friends will see these values that I have studied, and hopefully see that I follow them– and even when I stumble, I hold true to these very ideologies. And at any given point someone could bring up a subject that I have written about and I will have to stand for what I believe in.

It’s that kind of fear, persistence, and that kind of journey that Courage flourishes, and thats where we find the heart of our Saviour, in our weaknesses and in our fears he strengthens us.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

I received this email the other day from a friend that is in Africa at Bridges of Hope.  She said that this was left behind by a young girl in one of their classes, and that they are starting to realize that often students will leave notes and things behind because they actually want me to read them. It is typed just as it was written:

Because of you, HIV/AIDS

I had it all
but it went down
the drain

I couldn’t breath
my eyes were full of tears
my heart was cold

My parents were taken
away from me
friends, anyone I cared for

Because of you I have nothing
but I want to let you know
I’m not afraid of you

Because of you HIV/AIDS
I’m strong
you have not destroyed me
and for that you will not bring me down

All you do is give me strength
to fight you so bring it on!!!

- Author Unknown.

Pray for the millions of kids who could claim this as their own around the world.

Yo. I am pretty stoked about my first Swahili class today.  I am officially learning the language (along with Espanol).  And I am already interested in the culture.  I am the only one in this class, so obviously it is in high-demand over here in the Orange of County

She said something that caught my ear about their culture.  First off, their introduction isn’t for “GREETINGS” like we do: Hey! How are you!, its more of a respectful greeting like, Hello Sir/Mrs. Can we enter?  Then something happens.  They shake hands…  But what caught me off guard was this:  I remember shaking hands with my friend from Tanzania / Kenya.  She had a loose grip and tried to pull away from the hand shake.  I took some offense (not much, cause I didn’t think much of it..) but I thought maybe I crushed her hand, or maybe it was disrespectful to shake hands or something…

But here’s a little tidbit: They often shake hands, and pull away.  It is a symbol for showing that they are not worthy of all of the respect / gratitude that you are offering, and are grateful.

Thats pretty cool, I think I am gonna like learning about it  And I think I might pull away (haha, TWSS!) when I shake someone’s hand here hahaha.

I have an early trek to Yosemite (3am 5hr bike ride)… So I am throwing the towel in on today.   Gnight y’all.

Man, that was such a relief.  I had sat down at lunch and just started reading my Bible.  I continued my bible-in-hear plan with Joshua 1, and I couldn’t tell you how hard it hit me.  God knew I needed this word, and he spoke it directly to me.

I have been dealing with this warfare on whether it is my own ambition wanting to go to Tanzania or if it was actually my calling.  I now know that its, in fact, my calling.  Check it:

Joshua 1 talks about Joshua assuming authority after Moses dies.  He is bringing the people into the land of Canaan. He keeps repeating and repeating these simple words:

Be strong and courageous (v6)
Be strong and very courageous (v7)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. (v9)

and ends with:

Only be strong and courageous! (v18)

Clearly he sees Joshua trembling with the fear of if he is capable, if he is worthy, if he can drop everything and lead these people. This is exactly where I am in my questions about Tanzania. And God just keeps pounding this message into him saying he needs to be strong and courageous and not to be scared because the Lord will be with him:

Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Jos 1:9.

It also says that God will not be pleased with partial obedience (only us talking about it):

Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; …

Jos 1:8a

And then explicitly ties success with our obedience in the second part of that verse:

… meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Jos 1:8b

That calmed another fear that I have about success.  I have been brainwashed with the world’s idea of success– and that sometimes influences my decisions to do God’s work.  But looking at this passage it is very clear that success (not of this world) is given as a gift of obedience and having that special relationship.

When God’s people unite around the core duty of obedience, they can rest assured that God will bless them in wonderful ways.

Roger Ellsworth, Opening Up Joshua (Leominster: Day One Publications, 2008). 36.

I already feel the pressure. Questions flying around in my head although the actual move is far off in the distance.

• What am I thinking?  I have a great life and can help many people right from my computer.
• Why would I want to give everything up?
• After a fun night of salsa with friends and intense dancing: Why would I want to leave this?  So much dancing and fun girls.
• After coming home, relaxing, playing some games: Why can’t I just stay here?
• After going out to eat at some steakhouse or cafe: Why don’t I just stay here.  Live music, dancing, food, what can be better?

All of these questions are components of spiritual warfare.  I know in my heart that the change would be far greater if I were to spend time with these people.  I can’t see the logic, but I know that there is a truth.  These girls need a father and a man who can show them that there are good men in this world.  Those boys need someone to foster their boyhood and be a strong foundation for their family structure.  They need the love of a father.

I keep asking those questions above because I am scared– scared of the risk.   I am also scared that if it doesn’t work out I would have completely crushed the opportunities that I have going right now.  My job requires me to be on the leading edge of technology at all times– with it changing every day, every hour, every second.. I couldn’t possibly keep up if I were to leave for a year, let alone several years.  But would it be worth it?

You tell me.

You go to serve these kids, these adults– You show them Love unlike any they have ever seen because it is of Christ.  They then have a reason to live, a reason to fight, a purpose for their life, and a will to change other lives.  They will have safety, family, community.  I would sacrifice my everything that one individual might have a purpose in life and come to know this Love that I know. Let me clarify, its nothing that I can do that would transform lives– but I am completely open to God working in and through me.  That being said, I know that his Love can transform anything.

I am already encountering so many hard questions on my own life– on my decisions…  The only way I can get rid of them is for me to make them public and to talk about them.  If I keep them inside, my mind will convince myself to back off into my comfort zone.

We need to be aware of these questions, while they may be legit at times, other times they are a source of fear and temptation.   Often they keep your motives in check, but even more often they can be a deceiving catalyst of suppression.

But all in all, I will need your prayer and support, because its not a random instance that you are reading this blog, it is because I need you to challenge me and to challenge yourself on what kind of love this really is.

What kind of love.

I have been praying for quite some time now, over a year or two, on what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life.  I have been waiting and praying that my own ambition doesn’t get in the way of God’s purpose.  And I am super stoked, and at the same time extremely nervous / hesitant, to say that my prayers are slowly being answered.

I have had such an amazing life so far.  Friends, family, co-workers, everyone I have met has made an impact on my life.  My childhood couldn’t have been any better with such amazing parents guiding me every step of the way, my high school years were merited with challenges, successes, and failures–  college was a huge growth period for my faith, and I currently have a comfortable life in Orange County / LA (The capital of business and “dreams” and sunny weather ).  My job is one of a kind and I am so very thankful that God has given me the opportunity to work for 2Advanced.

But now there are hundreds of thousands of empty pages in front of me.  My prayers have been adding more and more empty pages as I await my next step.  The anticipation for direction had been killing me, and sometimes it became unbearable– even asking if He really does have a purpose for me…  But after some time of waiting…  I finally have an answer in progress.

Thursday, March 6th at 1:30PM I was sitting in a park overlooking the entire valley.  I was praying once again for direction and for God to reveal where my heart resides.  He answered me with something that I knew I was born to do.  He is calling me to Tanzania.

I have been being prepped with the CHE program, I have been to South Africa and left my heart there,  I even met someone who lives in Tanzania that would be able to be a foundation for me, I have started taking Swahili (their primary language), I have also been immersed in learning more about faith, and reading the Bible, for a reason.  All of the arrows are pointing toward a mission in Tanzania.

In Tanzania I will be around all of my desired missions: Child Soldiers, Human & Child Trafficking, Poverty and Community Development, and Church Plants.  I believe that this is my calling, and maybe a single entity that combines all of these passions.  And now my prayer is that it is indeed Him telling me to go, rather than my own ambition– and that it would still remain free form to his plan rather than mine.

Now, I am SOOO stoked to say that I am extremely passionate about this calling.  I know its dangerous, I know its a major risk from my chill pad here in Orange County– but let me put it this way…

I have been given so many gifts: such a great family, so much knowledge, so much “stuff.”  And this is exactly what the disciples had– they had families, they had a life, they had jobs– and Jesus asked them to drop everything and pick up their cross.  I believe that this is what he is calling me to do.  He desires for me to pick up my cross.  He is wanting me to display my faith, and trust in Him, by considering this life (OC lifestyle) as rubbish compared to his purpose for me in Africa.

Like always, the passage this Sunday seemed like it was geared directly at me.  On this great Mother’s day, I was sitting there with my amazing mom listening to the pastor talk about Philippians 3.  In this chapter Paul is writing a letter to the Philippian church talking about this life and their desires.

He mentions that if they have reason to think that they have merited God’s love because of their good deeds, then they are wrong– because Paul could easily think that as well:

 

If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Php 3:4–6.

 

Meaning, that Paul could easily think that he was indeed meriting God’s love because he was a Hebrew of Hebrews, a pure blood, and a follower of the law (to precision — aka Pharisee).  Meaning that if you gave him a law, he would keep the law– and therefore was right with God.  But then he goes on to say:

 

7 But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Php 3:7–11.

 

So he finds this life rubbish.  The life that we would consider perfection, complete, and meriting God’s love is completely false.  He (and I) want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

In hearing this call to Tanzania, I must pick up my cross, consider this life rubbish, and go to serve with God in Tanzania.

Wow, what kind of love?

Today is the first day that I can answer it truthfully…  This is the kind of love that never fails, never waits, is unconditional, all powerful, unbreakable, worth dying for, and worth living for.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, sometimes I get caught up in facts, history, visual / mental / spiritual definitions and presence within their cultural context, etc.  But I have been taking time to just sit and listen, watch and learn.  Let me say, you may think God isn’t present now, but just sit and watch…  I was eating dinner at the mall today and I saw several things that just blew my mind.  So I got to thinking about our surroundings and our influence on each other…  The best way to get evidence that God is present, isolate yourself from us.

But in all honesty, you have to look around you– if you want evidence of God, go into the wilderness.   In the wilderness, let me ask, what is evil?  What will distract you?  The only answer to that is yourself, your mind, your presence.  You are the only presence of distraction in the midst of amazing evidence of God’s existence.  This means two things: (1) You are not good, you have fallen and cannot seem to think good thoughts and your mind wanders, and (2) You are the most complex living creature on the face of this planet, you are Christ’s masterpiece.  It makes it much more simple if you take the factors of the world out and just look at nature and yourself.  Man was created to rule over the earth (Genesis), and Man was also the pinnacle of creation.  But that fall explains why we can’t go into the wilderness without thinking of power, survival, etc.

Going back to the context of the wilderness comes the concept of faith.  Faith seems to dwell in our minds as a source of foundation.  Faith actually stems from the Hebrew word emunah which means “firmness,” “steadfastness,” “fidelity,” and  ”faithfulness.”  It is also derived from the word aman which means “confirm,” and “trust.”  Some of us choose to blindly follow it and others need scientific proof for faith to be concrete.  Of course, there are different types of faith:  You have faith that your eyes are telling your brain exactly what you are seeing– you have faith that each time you go under a freeway overpass, that it will not collapse on you– you also have faith that when you sleep you will wake up knowing exactly what you knew the night before rather than having to relearn everything.

Atheists have plenty-a-beef with Christianity because there is basically no written hard evidence.  They will say that Christianity is good thinking (faith)– in a sense.  And the Atheists that I have talked to come across as rational and informative individuals who have, basically, convinced themselves that they cannot prove any existence. In the conversations that I have had, they bring up inconsistencies with the Bible and factual misinterpretations of historical events– all based around “evidence.”   And I can completely understand it, Christianity does require a whole lot of faith.  And most of them do not want to believe in faith because it is not rational or it deems contradictory.

But lets look at faith..  Faith is obviously a very prominent part of the Bible:

 

By faith Enoch was taken up so he should not see death (Heb. 11:5); by faith Noah built an ark (Heb. 11:7); by faith Abraham obeyed when he was called (Heb. 11:8); by faith Abraham lived as an alien in the land (Heb. 11:9); by faith Sarah received power to conceive (Heb. 11:11); these all died in faith (Heb. 11:13); by faith Abraham offered up Isaac (Heb. 11:17); by faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau (Heb. 11:20); by faith Jacob blessed Joseph’s sons (Heb. 11:21); by faith Joseph made mention of the exodus (Heb. 11:22); by faith Moses was hidden (Heb. 11:23); by faith Moses refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter (Heb. 11:24); by faith Moses left Egypt (Heb. 11:27); by faith Moses kept the Passover (Heb. 11:28); by faith they passed through the Red Sea (Heb. 11:29); by faith the walls of Jericho fell down (Heb. 11:30); by faith Rahab did not perish with the disobedient (Heb. 11:31); by faith they conquered kingdoms (Heb. 11:33).

Colin A. Day, Collins Thesaurus of the Bible (Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc., 2009).

 

But one of the key things that struck me is that Faith is a key structural component in this relationship (between God and man) in the Old Testament.  God had created the bronze snake to remind people that they needed to have faith… It is also mentioned several times in the passages above…  God was with his people, and they had to believe in him.

 

The author of Hebrews defines faith as the assurance in our heart and mind of what we hope for, the certainty of what we do not see (Heb. 11:1). And the author also notes that it was “faith” that was the “basis” for the approval of the saints in the Old Testament (Heb. 11:2). The author of Hebrews was right, for without faith it is impossible to be approved by God.

Eugene E. Carpenter and Philip W. Comfort, Holman Treasury of Key Bible Words: 200 Greek and 200 Hebrew Words Defined and Explained (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2000). 56.

 

Its interesting.  Because God said that He created us in his image…  The Bible talks about God’s faithfulness to his people, which means that, being in his image, he would expect us to be faithful to Him.

 

We do not respond to the grace of God with perfect faithfulness. The grace that gives us faith also allows us from time to time to see how weak our faith can be. So our faith is never of an even quality. It is subject to degrees. When our faith is great, we must praise God. When it is weak, we must not despair (weak faith is still faith), but cry to God for greater grace.

Roger Ellsworth, Opening Up Joshua (Leominster: Day One Publications, 2008). 103.