Thoughts of a Servant

Okay, so I live in a nice part of Orange County.  The houses around me are somewhere around $500-700k and I am in some nice apartments.  But it blew me away tonight to see the regulars doing their nightly dumpster dive.  But the thing is, I am pretty sure they are competing… There is a group that does it early in the morning, and the other group just switched to late at night.  I am just absolutely blown away by this– saddened and awakened.  I mean, I just got back from Mexico, and they were doing the same thing.

Its everywhere, the poverty, the necessity to have more, the inability to complete desires, etc.  Sometimes its a disease that infects our heart, and sometimes it is a lifetime barrier that we have to live with and may never get out of.

Regardless, take heart and help when needed.  Maybe save your cans in a bag and give it to them when you see them without acknowledging that you want to help.  It take a lot to do that, a lot of dignity is swallowed.  I just thought that it was interesting that with all of these nice cars and whatnot, there is still a need

Man, my friend Emily convicted me again.  :D

We had a short facebook-status discussion about transformation.  She put it as though I should be thankful that God is giving me “transformation attention” rather than me just being dull.  I love that!  Transformation attention.  Love it.

I have been recently convicted of doubting– even if it is just a tiny tiny bit, it is doubt.   So I wanted to find out more about this word and some scriptures behind what it is, why we get it, and how to deal with it.  Questions arise in many forms, including factual or philosophical issues, assurance, suffering, or unanswered prayer.

Doubt is an interesting thing, it is a sign of distrust / lack of confidence / a certain fear.  It also stems roots from the Greek terms:

Came across this article by Ted Cabal which classifies doubt into three categories:

Doubt may be divided into three general areas. Factual doubt usually raises issues regarding the truth of Christianity. Emotional doubt chiefly concerns our moods and feelings, often posing questions pertaining to assurance of salvation. Volitional doubt is a category that ranges from weak faith to a lack of motivation to follow the Lord.

Ted Cabal, Chad Owen Brand, E. Ray Clendenen, Paul Copan, J.P. Moreland and Doug Powell, The Apologetics Study Bible: Real Questions, Straight Answers, Stronger Faith (Nashville, TN: Holman Bible Publishers, 2007). 1614.

I was comforted to find that almost every biblical character experienced some form of doubt.  Abraham doubted whether his son would be born to him in his high-aged life, doubt even ranged through characters like Job, David, Jeremiah, etc.  But it was even more comforting to read on that, “As strange as it seems, doubt can produce positive results, and many doubters are very much in love with the Lord.”

There are many things we can doubt, and these can exist on many different levels– on faith, life, jobs, money, etc.  But all throughout Psalms we see doubt tackled: (see Ps 37:7–8; 39:2; 42:5–6, 11; 55:4–8, 16–17, 22; 56:3–4; 94:19).

in Philippians 4:6–9, Paul tells us to replace our anxieties with prayer and thanksgiving. The apostle promises peace for those who do so (vv. 6–7). Then he commands us to explicitly change our worrisome thoughts to God’s truth (v. and to model ourselves after his pattern, again promising the result of peace (v. 9).

Ted Cabal, Chad Owen Brand, E. Ray Clendenen, Paul Copan, J.P. Moreland and Doug Powell, The Apologetics Study Bible: Real Questions, Straight Answers, Stronger Faith (Nashville, TN: Holman Bible Publishers, 2007). 1614.

Overall, doubt is a great sign that you are growing.  Doubt causes questions to arise, causes answers to be questioned and even your own life to be questioned.  But I think the volitional doubt is very dangerous.  This is where we make ourselves doubt or convince ourselves out of our faith– and one of the major cures to this kind of doubt is intervention through friends and family.

I can relate to this type of doubt– I haven’t experienced volitional doubt, but I have a family member who has deliberately convinced himself that there is in fact no God.  He is a brilliant individual who has read every history book including the Bible.  But doing this short study on doubt has made me want to get in touch with him again.  I want to ask questions now  cause this is serious…

But this goes back to my conviction over the weekend when I went to Mexico.  It was almost as if I was questioning if Jesus could do anything.  It was just natural for me to think that because I could only see / feel the pain that these people displayed.  But when in essence, he has given me direct words:

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

34 When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. 35 And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him 36 and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Mt 14:28–36.

He was guiding Peter to him while he was walking on water, and Peter looked away as he was frightened.  Jesus was calling Peter back to look at him because he knew that Peter had questioned his powers.  But that was me!  I looked away for just a moment.

What kind of love is this.

Yes, crazy title. Cause men are crazy.

I can definately see where women get their perception of us.  I hate the perception, but its true.  Even men of God struggle with the addiction and temptations of  lust, masculinity, and women.  I have been praying that God will bring the right girl into my life– (some people say I am too young to be thinking like this, but hear me out).  But sometimes I wonder why it hasn’t happened, and if he has a bigger plan (which I am excited about).  And while I know that I would embrace that person, it is more important to me that it is in God’s will.  I am at the point where its okay if I don’t have that girl, but only if God tells me.

I recently started liking this girl (I can see something amazing in her).  She carries this level of faith and a missional lifestyle that I admire greatly as it mirrors me.  And I now, for the first time, realize the importance of equally yoked.  I always thought of it from the man’s point of view where I could be a firm foundation in God for a family, and that I could live as a man of compassion.  But I never realized how much weight and spiritual / physical turmoil the man will encounter, and that is where the woman comes in.  Without even doing anything, a woman makes a man feel like a man.  That instills courage, persistence, work ethics, alpha protector, etc.  And on top of that, they talk (moreso ) / listen!  Of course, the woman’s role is essential to the relationship.  They are in fact, more important than the man being a man.  But thats for another post, another day.

Wild at Heart explains a man in persuite of Eve, a woman that has beauty that is only a glimpse of God’s glory that is still even to great for the eye.  Men also need to find their masculinity within themselves in order to harness the defined structure that God has given.  They must be able to feel like a man, in order to be a man.  This is an extraordinary book, and I highly recommend it for anyone.

One thing I had heard, and it was reinforced by the book, was the fact that pornography is a easy way for men to get the gratification of viewing / pursuing ’Eve’ without the repercussions of reject, denial, and fear.  This is the very reason that it is so easy to fall into this addiction.  It is having an affair with someone without ever having to deal with the STDs / risk of being caught.  It is also available whenever you want, with whatever category you want.

While I sit back and look at men my age embracing this lifestyle, I can only see pain and suffering occur.  But I can also sympathize, I have struggled with this in the past, embraced it for a good amount of time, and to this day struggle with it.  It will be a lifelong struggle as it will only get harder– but the one thing I love about God is that no matter how many times I fall, I have those around me and God himself right there beside me.

Now, I will say that as I become a more firm believer in my faith, I get more and more crushed every time I sin.  This goes for anything, If I yell at someone out the window (for being on the phone, eating a sandwich, doing their makeup, playing dominoes, drinking coffee and driving at the same time), if I cruise the internet at places I shouldn’t be, if I think bad things about someone– God hears everything I think / see / do– I know he does– and he is right there beside me….. weeping.  With that imagery with me at all times, my heart can do nothing but weep.  The conviction is heavy on my heart and I feel the compassion when I say that I am sorry.  But he is mighty to save, and these problems are minor to what he has in store for you.

You and I are precious to him.  We have qualities, gifts, etc that he loves.

What kind of love is this?

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What a life it is to live. It is a life of sacrafice, dedication, pain, suffering and unparalleled joy.  Getting back from Mexico the other day, someone read a blog entry to me from a mom that made her life blogging about her journey as a mom.  While I didn’t think ay of it would apply to me, I was definately wrong.  It was from the popular blog Its Almost Nap Time.

She mentioned the types of happiness versus contentment.  And I got to thinking about it– in my own life, my objective is not to be happy.  As she put it, “happiness is according to your surroundings.”  If we begin looking for happiness, we will never find it because we are looking in things that are worldly, ever-changing, and built-on-sand, if you will.  But being content is another story.  Contentment is based off of your heart, something deep within– it is a happiness that can only be achieved when you are complete and feel that wholeness.

Now this struck home!  Not that I was looking for happiness, but that I can now differentiate between teh different feelings.  Having that knowledge is essential in knowing what is true to your heart.  It is similar to knowing the difference between Good and Evil– right and wrong, left and right, etc.

But I must confess.  I have been reading and reading and learning and learning, and all along being subconsciously convicted for whatever reason (im human).  And it hit today / last night.  I have been torn in my life the type of ministry that God wants me to do.  It seems like he either wants me to go to the UK for seminary, Argentina for outreach, Congo for outreach, South Africa for empowerment and CHE development, and even just staying here and supporting these organizations and testimonies.  I have never been more torn over such a huge decision.  Each of these have different levels of commitment, sacrifice, and risk– but all of them are for his Glory.

This morning I couldn’t wait to get back to church.  I had gone too long without it (almost 3 weeks), so I went to the earliest service–  I missed that community and place of worship.  And in being there, I felt this large conviction that God asked me if I have doubt.  While I have been saying yes, yes, yes– Sometimes I have little hesitation to do certain things… In doing so, my heart hardens towards serving.  Even just the slightest doubt is enough to make you stop.

I feel loved, I feel like he has given me hope– I honestly feel strongly about prayer, and I know for a fact that it works. He convicted me, and saved me from a tiny piece of fear and doubt that would have disrupted my walk with him.  What kind of love is this?

I woke up with a big question on my head.  I wanted to know why God has blessed America so much…  I live in Orange County, yeah, the OC.  And I often experience a bit of culture shock when someone shows up in 300$ fur boots that they wear when it rains– once a year in SoCal.  But really, why would God bless us with abundance and others not as much?

Well I know for a fact that it is not because other countries are doing something wrong– All throughout the Bible we see instances of this similar situation.  Soddom and Gomorrah– Abraham tried to save them saying their may be a believer.  But God says that we should just mind ourselves, and he destroys the city after Abraham couldn’t find any believers.  And Abraham questioned why God would bring that kind of wrath on Soddom, were they doing something horribly different than I?  And the answer is, no, they were just as sinful as you and I– but unless I repent, the same will happen to me.

So although we have many ideas on why some Nations suffer greater than us, it is not true–  The only thing God says is that unless we repent, the same will happen to us.

Going back to America–  I was in a CHE seminar the other day, and it made me realize that sometimes we have to place the program in the location where it will cause the greatest change.  Sometimes, that location isn’t the same as the greatest need.  That can go into a very extended explanation, but in a sentence, thats the jest of it.  So– America.  We are definitely in a lifestyle of abundance, but maybe God thinks we can make the greatest change in the world should we follow Him.  We are all disciples and we are all commissioned to go out into the world and make more disciples.  Doesn’t mean we are better than anyone by any means!  If anything we are worse for ignoring that call.

I have the privilege of going to Mexico today, and its also my good friend and bro, Russell’s, 21st birthday today.  I am excited to see where God takes him as our 3 roommates have been being transformed into servants of a mighty God.

Cheers!

I remember having a conversation with my parents about Abram and his son Isaac and how they traveled to the altar to perform the huge sacrifice of his son.  The idea behind it was that God was testing us to see how we would perform with our faith… Not because he wants to test us, but he knows that it will strengthen our faith in Him.  I was reading Deut today, and I found something similar:

13 If a prophet, or one who foretells by dreams, appears among you and announces to you a miraculous sign or wonder, 2 and if the sign or wonder of which he has spoken takes place, and he says, “Let us follow other gods” (gods you have not known) “and let us worship them,” 3 you must not listen to the words of that prophet or dreamer. The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996). Dt 13:1–3.

It is very bluntly stated right there, that we will not worship other gods (yet another mention of worshiping other gods).  But if we hear someone say that– we should be weary, because God wants to see how well we will trust his word.

I am on my trek through the Bible in a year– falling a bit behind, but slowly catching up.  Each morning I have been waking up earlier and earlier– Partly because I want to read the Bible, the other part is the fact that I cannot waiiiiiit until the next day.  I absolutely Love my God, and in reading (I am only in Deut. as far as I have, I can’t reiterate how many times he mentions that we should not create false gods, we should not idolize anything other than Him.  But whats the first thing Jerusalem does? Yep, they create a golden calf.  Brilliant.

But its not just that– even today we create idols that we cling to.  Whether its your boyfriend / girlfriend, money, your car, your clothing, your body, or even your safety.  But honestly, what type of security does that give you?  I would consider these false gods if we were to think of them in a certain way.  I am guilty of it too– my job is awesome, and sometimes I find safety in it– but really, one person could get mad and I am without a job.  I have to keep checking myself to see what I value more, what do I look forward to each day?

Well, I guess it really is an extended question– and I just opened a can of worms.  The great commission tells us to go out and make disciples– and I am reading a book, Wild at Heart, and read one a while back, Man Code, that explicitly describe our lives as a mesh.  There is no separation of church and state, there is no separation of work and spiritual life, etc.  It is when you are at work that you reach your full fulfillment of your spiritual life.  It is when you share the Good News that you feel passionate about your faith.  Would you agree?

Sooo, to add on to the other post on another day…  I had to say that this was also another awesome story told in the seminar.

My instructor had been taking a flight from somewhere to somewhere (I know, I didn’t listen to that part, but hear me out).  She got on the plane and just prayed that someone would sit next to her that would wnat to talk about God.

This lady came stomping down the aisle in a grumpy fashion.  And she immadiately thought, OK Lord, maybe not this flight, but the next one!  But she didn’t even know what was going to happen.

The beginning of the flight started off with trying to break the ice with her and getting her into a conversational mood, but efforts failed and she kept praying that God would work in her to speak out and talk.

Well food time came, and she had to put away the book she had been hiding behind in roder to eat her food– so my instructor engaged conversation again.  This time, they got into my instructor’s passion– she was currently going to Biola.  The lady asked her what her major was– she simply replied that she had just switched from being a socialology major as she disagreed with some of the morals and whatnot.

The lady nosed a bit further by asking, what did you find unethical.  And this is the amazing part, my instructor decided to only elaborate on one of the many things she found unethical– she said that she found the usage of electro-shock therapy to be wrong, unworthy, unhealthy, and deadly– and that no one should have to go through that.

Apparently the girl she was talking to ended up in tears.  She was sobbing and all her walls have been broken.  The conversation furthered and she eventually came to know the Lord on this flight . Apparently she grew up in the south hating Christians, and when she was a tennager her mom was in an institution and had been killed by electroshock therapy.

I am absolutely blown away at this.  What are the odds that my instructor would choose to bring that topic out, that she went to school, that she was on this flight, on this seat, open for discussion and awake, with someone who didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to be there.  It is clearly God working in these times, and all my instructor said was “Lord, guide me.”

She brought up a great point.  This is what allows our faith to grow.  We can read the books, deepen our knowledge– but ultimately the Great Commission tells us to go and tell the Nations! and this will fulfill our need for community and friendship and will give us great joy to see our Brothers and Sisters coming to know Christ!

I went to a seminar thingy today at Rock Harbor.  It was pretty darn cool. This three week seminar is on Evangelism and what to expect.  I have learned a lot so far, but have also found that I am in the right thinking when I am out and about.  One cool story though…  The instructor shared this, and it is definately worth repeating…

She was mentioning one of the hard times in her life when she was actually thinking that there wasn’t a God and he was something that she just made up in her head.  She pictured him as an immaginitive figure that didn’t really exist.  At the time, she was going to Biola Univerisity, and leading fellowship groups, life groups, seminars, etc.  She was heavily involved, but unfortunately struggling whether she believed or not.

Meanwhile she was learning Russian and prepping for a mission trip to the Soviet Union for over a year.  The language, the culture, etc. wsa something that she was so excited to do, but now she was thinking that she wants to go to this country to share the Word of God with people even though she doesn’t believe in it herself.

About a week before the trip, she mentions to her friend that she doesn’t think there is a God.  Her friend took a pause and asked her to consider: if the funds come in for the mission trip, you will go– otherwise you can stay.

Nonetheless, the funds were provided and she ended up going on the trip. (Clearly a work of God, but it gets better)

This trip (over 60 people) included people going out into the steets and into homes / institutions and talking with people and professing their faith.  But the thing was: they couldn’t profess very loudly because the KJB was still very prominent back then.  The KJB actually had their room and their phones, bathrooms etc, monitored and bugged.  They were transported around town by KJB members and had to be very careful about what they said.  While monitored by the KJB, they were on one mission– each one of the students had a bible filled with bible text and hand written commentary all over the place for further reading.  They had to give this one bible away by the end of this trip.

Well, towards the end of the trip, my instructor mentioned that she still didn’t believe in God.  They were riding on the bus home when she realized that she was the only student that still had her Bible, and it crushed her.  She began to see that God had been so gracious to give all of the Bible’s away to a country that didn’t have a God and was shackled by communism.  She knew that she had made a huge mistake, and that God was more present in her life than she knew, and even though she was in complete disbelief, she would have never guessed how he would user her next.

All of the students left the bus and went into the airport.  My instructor stayed on the bus to talk to the KJB transporter.  They had gotten along at the beginning of the trip and she figured she might as well try and see what happens with the Bible.  She mentions to her the true reason they were over there (very bad thing to tell a KJB individual, you could go to prision and perhaps even torture / death).  And at the end of the conversation says, “I would like to give you this Bible”.

This KJB individual (I wish I could remember her name) gave her a stone cold look, one that would make you sore to your stomach as though you had done something wrong.  One that would make you reconsider going to Russia in the first place– worried about her outcome, she said these words…

“How did you know?!  …  (after a long pause) I have prayed every single day for 5 years that God would bring me His word. !”

HOW amazing is that.  God had used this girl who was utterly doubting God all together, and he used her in such a powerful way as to give this girl that had been living a God-centered life undercover in Russia, HIS word!!!

Faaan tastic.  After hearing this, I wanted to go to the soviet.