There are times when I feel like life has come to a stand still, like things that were moving are no longer in motion and whatever my purpose was has changed to something that I cannot define yet.  I guess its similar to that of a stagnant pond.  While it may look beautiful, the actual functionality of it is worthless.

There are so many things on hold–  It can be a bit frustrating but I am trying to not be a piece of scum that clogs the drain.  In that curve of spiritual awareness that I talked about in previous posts, where you go from hardcore to no core and then back, is real.  You can feel it, but you can’t get mad at it, or God– You know its going to come, because without it, your superb moments wouldn’t be as superb.

What am I doing?  I want to travel, and I want to start this company, I I I– please Lord. Give me a servants heart. Take away any selfish wants. Give me the will to give an the heart to care.  Give me strength, boldness and courage to talk to people about issues with meaning.  Please provide opportunities that I can share my faith– Please Lord, I beg you to instill me with passion again.  Please work through me, for I am no better than the ground I walk on.  I am utter dirt but you are Holy.  Please take from me what distracts me and ground me in a foundation that is pure.

Sometimes I have to write down whatever it is I am thinking.  Similar to Jack Karouac’s book where he wrote without cease.  It gets everything out.  It establishes a place where you can view your situation from a 3rd party’s view.

Scatterbrained?  A bit.  But not worthless.  The mind is amazing– words are meaningful, they give us purpose, they give use structure, they give us a way to communicate, and sometimes they give us barriers that we have to cross.

So, this facebook thing– I start to like it less and less.  I don’t want to be spending my time posting what I am doing.  I don’t want to comment on someone’s bathroom status.  I don’t want to join several mafia wars or join the “I hate facebook cause”.  I was listening to Francis and he mentioned that we have so many choices, everything is about us.  From the bread we eat to lunch to dinner to gas to paper to any aspect of life, it is all preference.  That makes us inward focused and not concious to our surroundings — other countries: if they have money, and if they have bread at the bakery, they buy it– here: if they have 3 cheese bread or the french baguette, then we may buy one, if it is warm, and if it comes with a slight hint of butter and maybe a french-press coffee to go with it.

Sometimes I get frustrated– okay most of the time– with the way that we (including me) live our life.  But at the same flippin time I also want to live the way I want to live.  And sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to sin, to have sex, to drink, to party, checkout strip joints, maybe smoke a joint, get into fights, yell at people, talk trash to women, spit game, take what is rightfully mine, to “live life” like a rockstar– and I am sure I would be pretty damn good at it.  Sometimes I reaaaaaly wish I could just cut loose like I see people doing, and have “fun”.  It is so hard.  But I assure you and myself, that there is a life worth living that is not of this world.

I write this in blog format, but if someone would reply to this with a solution, I might get pissed too.  Because I know people that have so far excluded themselves from the reality of life, that everything they do is Holy.  They have everything, they don’t have to deal with the real world.  They get to seclude themselves and point fingers all day.  THATS NOT WHERE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!  We are called to be in the world, but not of the world.  We need to be reaching our arms out to those who cannot hear.  We need to be in the life and the light.  HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO REACH PEOPLE FROM OUR COUCH!! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE AND FELLOWSHIP FROM OUR HOUSE?! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HELP! My goodness man.  Sometimes people need a kick in the pants.  Can someone please give them a wakeup call!!!

I really admire my roommate.  He has found his niche it seems.  Quite the fellowship he has at Woodbridge.  And that is great for him.  I try and pray for him as much as I remember so that he may stay strong when the weaknesses start to thrive.  I don’t say that in a “GOOOODLY” sense, I say that from a man of God point of view.  We need to pray for one-another. We need to encourage eachother.  You must not cause your brother to stumble.

I also admire my other friend Meli.  She is such a girl.  Every time I see her she is just in her element with her Girls– This type of fellowship is amazing.  Her church is perfect for her as well (Newport).  I love to just sit with her and hear about the many things God is doing in her life.

I guess, more than anything– I miss my fellowship.  You begin to grow weak when you cannot get rejuvenated, and for whatever reason– I have been unable to get to church in some 3-4 weeks.  And as you can notice, my blogs have slowly dwindled to a crawl because of my diverted energy rather that overflowing.  I am surprised that I have lasted this long without punching someone as it is kind of difficult not to right now.

Over the past few months, I have been talking with people about their faith, their culture, expression, compassion, and relationships– It has been absolutely amazing.  But I have grown weary, the walls and the barriers are so great, the foundation of destruction has been so long.  Several of my friends have tried the Bible, but hated the hypocracy, then threatened by the Catholic schools, rejected by Mormon/Baptist/Witchcraft/and other faiths– ugh.  Sometimes its as easy as saying, “Give God a try, if you don’t like him, the devil will always take you back”  and other times, its so hard to get them away from the Devil because he has such a GRIP on them.  I can’t take it, but my God can– but it still breaks my heart to a depth that I cannot express.  Of course, I like it when I can see them changing… ;)

I just started tearing up for the first time in a week or two.  I am not one to readily admit it, but this is something special.  If you begin to feel something for others, you know something is right with God and in your heart.  These past two weeks have gone by like a few hours, but have felt like two years.

Please, just look back, see what God has done in your life and this world.  Just a few things: He has liberated Myriam and Merizah in Iran from being imprisioned! He is constantly liberating children from trafficking.  He is helping the people of Haiti with physical needs from the world and their heart’s needs through love.  He has just planted several churches in the OC area alone.

And also, please be weary… Because the “devil prowels around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” for he is constantly at work as well.

I am honestly asking that there are no responses to this blog.  But that there are prayers, not just for me– but for those who do not know the Joy of having the Savior.  There was a point not too long ago where I had so much joy I had tears.  And that is a lot of joy for a man to be in tears.  And I am almost in tears thinking about it, knowing that one day I will have that kind of joy for the rest of eternity.  Please, pray for those who cannot see, who cannot feel the presence of God.  Pray pray pray, because prayer is amazing.